Tiger admits defeat: ‘I have failed to make golf in any way interesting’

Less than a year after the scandal which threatened to shake the very foundations of his profession, Tiger Woods has admitted that his herculean efforts failed, and that golf remains one of the most boring sports ever to have been invented.

“I did my best,” said Woods during his shock admission live on CNN, “but it’s a truly boring sport, and golfers are profoundly boring people. My attempts to bring a sordid undertone to the game by revealing that a straight-laced, disciplined golfer was actually living a double life of tawdry multiple infidelities seemed momentarily edgy, but in retrospect I can put my hand up and say: ‘My scandal was so boring and obvious I shouldn’t have bothered.’”

Woods looks in awe to sportsmen in other fields, particularly soccer: “Those guys are amazing. They play a great game, and when they’re not training they always ensure they are involved in high-profile sleaze like adultery, selling drugs, screwing grandmothers or spit-roasting teenagers at the Holiday Inn. Even dogging. Those guys are true sportsmen, with interesting double lives. I look at golf today and I worry that if something doesn’t change soon my sport could become as boring as cricket. Or basketball.”