Leaked! How BP planned to use Mel Gibson as ‘last resort’

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As so often in the 365, 24/7, 14.4, 3¾ information age, it was never going to be long before this infographic designed by BP’s corporate black ops division plans ended up on the internet.

Posted by an unknown source on wikioileaks.com, strategic details about how the disgraced oil giant was prepared to pay millions of dollars to the disgraced Hollywood giant were soon common knowledge, bringing into question the judgement of BP boss Tony Hayward yet again.

Drawn up in those dark hours before the cap was proved to work, the plan is simple and daring – send ‘Mad’ Mel Gibson down to the ocean floor where he shouts obscenities at the gushing oil until it shrinks in fear and disgust, right back into the bowels of the life-giving earth.

The actor would then climb into the hole and plug it with his seriousness, and his body, hoping that his iphone’s newly installed ‘deep pressure’ app works properly, enabling him to call in phase two of the operation.

BP remained tight-lipped today, too busy, they said ‘getting on with the job in hand’.

When questioned about the appropriateness of using Mel Gibson as a human bath plug, one executive said “from a PR point of view it could have been a win-win for everyone concerned. Mel needs to be a hero again and BP need the oil stopped. Then, let’s face it, he’s stuck on the seabed isn’t he? Forever if needs be. I’m thinking we sponsor a phone vote.”