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The Daily Mail Tube Map
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In preparation for London 2012 we’ve updated our Daily Mail Moral Underground tube map to guide the influx of Olympic tourists to over 250 thrilling destinations in Dacreville.
Readers can now get a one-way ticket to Winslet, Wind Turbines and Waitrose or purchase a cheap-day return to Tasers, Traffic Wardens and Twiggy.
There’s a whole new line of cancer attractions...
The Larval Stages of George Osborne
Science News: Previously unseen images of the Larval Stages of George Osborne have been published today in the scientific journal, ‘Nature.’
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Before the photographs were released, the nature of George Osborne’s life cycle was a hotly debated issue: While some asserted that he was made out of Playdough by...
A brief history of the Big Society
UK NEWS by Nick Tolson.
With the Coalition’s first anniversary around the corner and Britain only just starting to feel the true pain of the cuts, Prime Minister David Cameron was forced into a vigorous defence of his ‘Big Society’ idea in the House of Commons this morning, insisting that it was ‘part of a great ideological lineage’ that always ‘cherished progress’.
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Muslim extremists and neo-nazis in joint venture
UK News: All political organizations need to find ways to fund their agenda, and two of Britain’s most controversial groups, Islam4UK and the British Nazi Party, have come together to open what the press release describes as ‘a mutually beneficial joint venture’.
“We were introduced by our small business advisor,” says Geoff Rogers of the British Nazi Party.
“He told us that...
Cuts will ensure ‘terrific music from housing estates’
Economic News: “Great tunes ahead,” promised the Chancellor this morning as he hit back at critics of the continued budget cuts, claiming that “the more damage they do to deprived areas of Britain, the more likely they will guarantee a series of brilliant albums by emerging artists.”
“These young people will be thrown on the scrapheap by chronic underfunding,” said Osborne, “from...
Treasury launches £9 note
UK News: With the country in fiscal turmoil, George Osborne has announced a new measure that the Chancellor hopes will provide some much needed consumer stimulus – a £9 note.
Hot on the heels of the introduction of the topless pound coin, the Royal Mint will be issuing these new notes as from today, which bear the faces of Lily Allen and Stephen Fry.
“It is a modern banknote for modern times,”...
George Osborne ‘ashamed’ of father Ozzy
He has sued newspapers, walked out of interviews and dodged countless questions, but the Chancellor broke his silence last night admitting, ‘Yes, Ozzy is my father, and yes, he embarrasses me’.
Professional rocker Ozzy Osborne – who’s other children Jack and Kelly have shown no such reticence in profiting from their father’s notoriety – was unavailable for comment.
A...
Budget airline to offer ‘low cost police service’
Privatisation of the police was back on the table last night as the government announced plans to contract out the running of the Metropolitan Police Force to budget airline company, Easyjet.
“We must reduce the deficit,” droned George Osborne, with a glazed look in his eye. “We must reduce the deficit. We must reduce the deficit.”
Receiving a sharp elbow from an aide, he then continued,...
Cameron is the new face of L’Oreal
It’s been billed as Cameron’s first chance to sit down with Obama and talk about Afghanistan, but it was the British electorate in a state of shock and awe this morning as Cameron revealed he was also in Washington to film an advert – as the new face of L’Oreal.
“The concept is the 1950′s corridors of power,” Cameron told journalists “Cigars, black and white, wonderful...
Cameron: spending cuts will hurt so bad ‘they will start to feel good’
The Prime Minister surprised fellow politicians this morning when the lights went out in the House of Commons and George Osborne appeared, backlit, wreathed in smoke and wearing a black leather fetish mask. “I am going to redefine pleasure and pain,” Cameron announced in an eerie voice over the public address system as Osborne slowly levitated over fellow MPs, spattering them with blood...
