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Footballers Mock Orphans
Will Hudson-Young
Sports Correspondent
FIVE MEMBERS of the Everton football team were
arrested last night after spending an evening openly mocking
the inhabitants of a local orphanage. The players, who cannot
be named for legal reasons, allegedly THREW
old eggs at the windows of the home for parentless and frail,
SHOUTED through a loudhailer
about how great their own mothers and fathers were, KICKED
a wheelchair into the canal, and put on a PUPPET
SHOW about how nice it would be to have a family Christmas
this year.
The series of sordid events was witnessed by
Mark Knopfler, who had found himself at the orphanage gates
looking for inspiration. Said the Dire Straits frontman: “From
my vantage point in the bushes I could clearly see the group
of men mocking the orphans. It was terrible, one minute I
was fooling around with my 12-string, then the next moment
I started hearing all kinds of shouting about Mother’s
Day. I was so shocked I had to pull my headband over my eyes
just to remain conscious. Those guys really are the Sultans
Of Shit.”
The harrowing chain of events comes hot on the
heels of three members of the Plymouth Argyle squad spilling
dried peas behind the bar at an ex-serviceman’s club,
and Liverpool and England midfielder Steven Gerrard calling
a priest an old shit behind his back. An F.A. official commented;
“We have to tackle this problem now, and if that means
sending these disruptive players to some sort of futuristic
penal colony on an island, which is run by robot wardens,
then so be it.”
A century of sporting wrongs
1902 A dogfight
in a barn turns nasty when a goose bites the farmer’s
hand.
1928 The first
public fisting results in the development of the Queensbury
Rules.
1942 Excitable
Nazi troops revise the rules of tennis to allow gouging.
1957 Teddy Boys
ride horses into Hull and deflate the Town Hall.
1963 A Czech bodybuilder
blows a palmful of dust into an Alsatian’s face.
1969 Evidence
of two pool balls in a sock found on the moon.
1989 Turner
& Hooch released to universal acclaim. Sporting atrocities
briefly cease.
1999 The owner
of Redhill Leisure Centre strangles his friend with a female
snake.
2002 Brian Clough
prays nightly to Jesus for the collapse of Eastern society.
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