|
News in Brief
Drug dealers to receive
tougher sentences
Drugs ‘Tzar’, Nicholas Romanov,
has announced tougher new sentences for persistent offenders.
“The provisional clarification of intentionality led
us further to the difference in ontological constitution between
the objective entity and subjective entity” and others
will be phased in from early 2003.
German laughs
Yesterday at 3.43pm in Trafalgar Square
witnesses looked on in horror as a suspected 35-year-old German
tourist laughed openly. The man, believed to be from the Bavaria
region, was standing amongst a party of five other tourists
close to Nelson’s column. As a pigeon landed on the arm
of a male colleague, Jurgen Wolfbruggen was first seen smiling
before raising his left arm in the air and laughing in an
initial sporadic burst of five or six hearty chuckles.
Toy ball has unseen
adventure
A baby girl threw her toy ball out of
the pram today, as she was being pushed close to a busy high
street. The ball bounced into the road, where it was struck
by a Vauxhall Astra, catapulting it into the air, where it
ran along some guttering into a building site. Rolling along
a girder, the ball was then caught by a trapeze artist, who
let the ball drop into the carriage of a roller-coaster. The
ball then bounced across a series of trampolines and spittoons
before landing back in the baby’s pram, without anyone
having seen this improbable adventure. It is believed that
such adventures happen all the time.
Crazy world of Arthur
Brown Getting crazier
Arthur Brown’s crazy world is alarming
loved ones by becoming exponentially crazier, our insider
sources at Brown Towers can confirm. Arthur Brown, whose crazy
world thrilled psychedelia fans in the 60s, was last week
carried around Droitwich in the severed palm of a Chinese
giant.
Visiting a Tibetan monk, Arthur opened
his mouth to speak, but the words turned to silver pebbles
in his mouth. Within weeks, his mouth had become a nest for
a thousand baby magpies, whose ceaseless rumourmongering and
tittle-tattle has provided him with entertaining anecdotes
ever since.
Unwipeable arse found
in jungle
A human arse broke all established conventions
last week, by defying all attempts to wipe it. The latest
attempt - involving radio controlled planes dragging quilted
roll over the reluctant arse - was foiled when the arse persistently
blew the paper away with a little trump whenever it got close.
Porcelain cat revered
by otherwise intelligent tribe
A newly discovered tribe have baffled
anthropologists by proving themselves capable of advanced
logic and rapidly developing IT skills, whilst still remaining
devoutly faithful to a porcelain figurine of a boz-eyed cat.
“It’s baffling,” mused Paul Depot. “At
the minute, they’re manning a large call centre dealing
with complaints from AOL customers. But if I so much as approach
that china cat with this stick, they’ll have me in a
giant cauldron, quick as a flash.”
Another scientist echoed his confusion: “It’s
not even a historical piece of culture. Our analysis shows
the cat - named Luther - fell out of an aeroplane in 1997.
There’s every chance a suburban mantlepiece could be
missing a much-loved piece of shit.”
Government brands
children ‘immature’
The government yesterday ended speculation
about their ongoing investigation into Britain’s youth
culture. Speaking on behalf of an interim council set up to
study the behavioural patterns of children aged seven and
under, spokesman Robin Lowell announced; “They know nothing
about politics, finance or world affairs and want to play
the whole time. They’re just a bunch of fucking kids.”
225 foreskins found
in shed of old man called Brian
After the bizarre discovery and his subsequent
arrest, Brian Kent, 79, protested his innocence: “I can’t
remember how they got there... how am I supposed to know all
the stuff I got in my shed? I’m a very old man with a
very bad memory.”
Police Spokesman, DC M Evans, announced today;
“We are required by law to trace the rightful owners
of the foreskins to ascertain whether they are, indeed, stolen,
before any legal action can be taken against Brian.”
“And if the owners can’t be traced?” asked
The Poke. “Then the foreskins will be returned to Brian
with a formal apology.”
|
