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Queen sues dentist
Royal exclusive
THE QUEEN is to sue an emergency dentist whose
impromptu surgery left her mouth looking like a point-blank
shotgun wound in the side of a fat man. Botched attempts at
repair only served to exacerbate the situation, and her majesty
now bears a distinct resemblance to a half-staked vampire.
The Queen was attending a buffet fundraiser
for a charity that stops dogs dying when a sesame seed slipped
between her teeth. After twenty minutes of trying to remove
the sesame seed with her tongue, the Queen became frustrated,
and offered Derbyshire to the brave soul who would enter her
mouth and retrieve the golden seed. After a disappointing
initial response, she offered to throw in a picture she had
drawn of Elton John.
The only offer was from a drunken chiropodist,
who has admitted since the event that he may have overestimated
the force required to remove the seed. "You know that
twisted logic you get when you’re drunk - I just went
Zen for a moment and figured that maybe the seed wasn’t
the problem. Perhaps the problem was the teeth. So I stuck
a plastic fork up her gums and prised them all out, mistaking
her regal whimpering for moans of approval. My wife, who was
drunker than myself, suggested I quickly murder one of the
dogs at the event and stick it's teeth in the Queen's mouth.
I should, at this point, mention again how drunk I was, and
that I am not really a dentist."
The Queen took the incident in her stride.
"Anyone can make a mistake," she said into a glass
jar, before screwing the lid on and handing the jar to our
reporter. "But this is worth around ten thousand pounds.
And the day ten thousand pounds isn’t worth suing a chiropodist
for, well, that’s the day I get my face taken off the
stuff."
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