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Ten ways to sacrifice a virgin
There are 50 ways to leave your lover, crooned
Paul Simon in his song, which then went on to list nothing
of the sort. The diminutive wordsmith only offered about eight
spouse-dumping suggestions in all, and these were mostly nuggets
of arcane wisdom such as “leg it out the back door”.
Cheers, Paul. Fortunately, we in the world of madgick are
that bit more thorough.
1) CARVE THEM FROM HEAD TO TOE
The trad favourite. The more ceremonial the
knives the better, and do remember to affect a look of daemonick
posession while you’re at your business, or you’ll
end up looking like a Tesco’s butcher with a grudge.
2) BUILD A WICKER MAN
Favoured in Scotland, as it solves crop failure
worries and heating bills in one. Sacrificial tip - those
disposable barbecues you get at petrol stations make great
pyre-starters. As indeed does the petrol they also sell.
3) STICK THEM ON A SLAB
Picturesque, certainly, but mainly used these
days to attract tourists. If you can manage to book Stonehenge
for the evening, however, you’re onto a winner.
4) FLAY THEM ALIVE
For the melodramatically inclined. Not one
to try in a hardboard-walled bedsit in Hendon opposite the
Met training centre on a Thursday afternoon, believe me.
5) BLEED THEM SLOWLY TO DEATH
I cannot stress strongly enough - put some
paper down for this one.
6) DROWN THEM IN A BARREL
Water is acceptable, but this method’s
implied ostentation suggests something more sumptuous is required.
Mead, whisky or absinthe, should your budget
stretch so far, are all worthy submergents. For less well-funded
cults, Mateus rose and Daddies sauce will suffice if no-one’s
checking the receipts.
7) USE A NOOSE
It was good enough for the government, after
all! Remember they do tend to wee themselves on the way down,
so a cat litter under the trapdoor is a crafty way to save
face if you’re serving pizza afterwards.
8) THROW THEM TO THE DOGS
The human-canine relationship is a deep
and spiritual one, going back aeons to the very formation
of the continents.
A great way to keep your hound “as fit
as a cannibal’s dog”.
9) CUT OFF THEIR ARMS
OK, I’ll admit I made this one up to make
a round ten. If anyone has a go at this, let me know how you
get on.
10) CALL UPON THE DAEMONICK FORCES
OF DARKNESS TO RISE UP AND ENGULF THEIR SPIRIT IN A CLOAK
OF ETERNAL OBLIVION
Self-explanatory.
- Of course, in these highly policed, re-mortgaged
times, the
actual killing of an actual virgin may well be beyond your
physical and financial capabilities. In many instances a
more modest operation can achieve results, such as flicking
some
dog dirt at someone who looks like they probably haven’t
had it for a while. Your prayers will still be answered
in these
circumstances, but in muted form, so for example, if you
pray for the immediate collapse of all Western culture,
be
prepared to settle for a minor civil servant stubbing his
toe.
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