Wedding plans in tatters as furious Brand discovers Perry’s boobs ‘not part of the deal’

Russell Brand has reacted angrily to news that his imminent marriage to the American pop star Katy Perry will not include her fabulous boobs.

The former-smack-head-turned-presenter-turned-comedian-turned-sex-addict-turned-old-man-botherer-turned-actor-turned-author has put wedding plans on hold until the issue is resolved.

Confidential documents published by titileaks.org reveal that Capitol Music Group reserve exclusive and universal rights to Perry’s love pillows in perpetuity.

Capitol’s CEO Jason Flom has been swift to clarify the legal position: “It’s quite true that we own Katy Perry’s ladybust, and I’m sorry that Russell has reacted in this way. Katy is a talented artist with a recognisable visual identity and ours is a typical, mutually-beneficial relationship between a performer and their record label. Remember – Motown owned Michael Jackson’s little black ass for years, and Epic subsequently owned his skinny white ass, both with great success. No one complained at the time. It’s standard practice.”

In response, a ten-thousand word statement which constitutes one single, highly allusive, rhetorically-elliptical yet grammatically-correct sentence was read by Brand’s exhausted solicitor.

In it, Brand claims that he reasonably had assumed Perry’s legendary marble-white décolletage was to be an intrinsic part of their union.

He entered into the engagement: “…in good faith by the grace of Krishna with the belief that I was forthwith to be legally and solemnly united in law with those dreamy Venusian orbs without the signing of any of that convoluted pre-nuptial gobbybobbins la de da malarkey don’t you know for I am a devotee of the way of peace and love and doing it ooh I do love a bit of the old crumpet but this bothersome silliness about the cruelly inaccessible boobies has put me right off my yoga …” etc.

Katy Perry has thus far declined publicly to discuss the situation. However, industry insiders predict that her breasts will continue to speak for themselves.