Coalition talks are still ongoing as policymakers work on plans to decide exactly what the post-euro Greek currency will taste of.

“I’m keen for the new notes to come in a range of flavours that reflect Greek cuisine,” said outgoing leader Lucas Papademos. “100 drachmas should taste like an aubergine salad, 500 will offer the saltiness of feta cheese and the 10,000 drachma note will taste silky-smooth, like taramosalata.”

“Of course you’ll need a lot more than 10,000 drachmas to buy any of this as actual food.”

Bank Of England governor Mervyn King warned that this could set a standard. “If Greece makes nice tasting money,” said King, “Then we shall have to follow suit, and make the sterling taste of Greggs pasty’s.”

Story+Image: Simon Swatman

2. The cheese grater slide

3. Titanic Slide. 1500 passengers and crew perished when the Titanic sank to her watery grave 100 years ago – now it’s available as an inflatable fun slide

4. Hopscotch. Detroit style.

5. The Human-Lizard-Dog-Centipede Plaything. WTF???

6. Eskimo Seesaw

7. The tunnel of the shame

8. Dad’s corkscrew

9. Dumbo’s Surprise

10. Motorway fun

11. CSI Seesaw

12. The Skip Slide

14. Train wreck

15. Wall Swings

16. Harry Potter and The Inappropriate Broomstick

17. Funeral Fun

18. A&E Slide

19. Manhole Surprise

 20. Teddy bears picnic

by Pat Cahill

Next >> One Pound Fish (The Poke Remix)

“Straight blazin’, the Pilate bomb’s about to go off, baby,” said Westwood. “I’m looking to elevate my game – and ordering the crucifixion of Christ is how the Big Dog does it.”

The DJ will play the Governor of Judea, who foresees the events of Jesus’ crucifixion from beginning to aftermath in a dream and then finds himself being presented with that very situation.

“It’s a situation that the Big Dog can relate to,” Westwood went on to say. “Like Pilate, I also had a dream – I was at a motorway service station late one night trying to eat an M&S salad without any kind of cutlery, then the next night I found that’s exactly what went down – straight blazin’.”

Story+Image: Simon Swatman

Mr Acorah, 62, said, “I know Neo-Nazis the world over are convinced Hitler is alive and I’m really sorry – but your Führer has been over in the spirit world for some time.

He claims he received his information from a spirit messenger called Sam, shortly after Acorah looked at his bank balance and realised he needed to get some free publicity for his latest tour.

“I sat in my meditation room and I asked the spirit world and Sam confirmed he was dead,” said Acorah. “He said he was and mentioned something about cyanide and a bunker. How could I know such details as those if I am not a genuine psychic in touch with the other side?”

Mr Acorah added he did not travel to the site of Hitler’s bunker in Berlin to spare Neo-Nazi groups any unnecessary suffering. Plus, he doesn’t like boiled sausages and is proudly xenophobic.

Story: Simon Swatman

Brooks and her husband were first arrested after a bag containing a laptop, iPhone and paperwork was found in the bin near their £1.5 million home in London’s exclusive Chelsea Harbour

Now Met police have confirmed that in the weeks since the discovery they have downloaded hundreds of apps and games to the phone, running up a huge bill.

“It’s her fault for not disabling her iTunes account,” said a police spokesman. “We got a bit bored and someone thought it would be fun to download Angry Birds, then things spiralled out of control and we just started to download everything we could.”

“She’s probably got bigger things to worry about now, but we didn’t use wi-fi – so she’d better have unlimited data or her bill will be gigantic.”

Story: Simon Swatman