Written, rapped, directed, filmed and edited by Nib Oswald

Cox senior proposes a hypothetical ‘thought experiment’ to Cox junior, which he insists is necessary “to avoid universe-destroying temporal paradoxes occurring should a living being become aware of his forbidden dual existence within a shared continuum.”

“Imagine a scenario,” writes Cox, “in which a young physicist becomes privy to the Promethean knowledge of the Higgs Boson particle.

Imagine that this insight leads him to the epoch-shattering discovery of time travel. Imagine that after a blinding flash and an eerie whoosh he finds himself not in a research laboratory at the University of Manchester in the year 2012, but instead all beardy and shivering in a kilt on a bleak hillside in 1994, surrounded by a film crew and extras, being yelled at by a blue-faced Mel Gibson. Or chasing Matt Damon around Paris. I can say no more. Only this: the circle must be completed.”

Brian Cox junior was unavailable for comment today. Colleagues at his laboratory said they were ‘strangle unable to locate him’ despite the fact that there was an open copy of Physics Today was found on his desk, along with a mug of tea that was ‘still warm.’

Story: Michael Brett

“Mans might be ready to stab someone up,” says Get Money Gang member X-blox – real name Shane Richards – who asked not to be named. “But so what? These days that ain’t nothing. But mans ready to play ‘Soggy B’ – that’s like, some serious respect right there. Because that shit is nasty.”

Soggy Biscuit, Ragging, Suck The Finger, Hairybags, The Trafalgar and other public school torments have found their way out of the dormitory and onto the estates of contemporary Britain.

“It’s one of the most interesting cases of social cross-pollination we have ever seen,” says anthropologist Rex Withers.

“Gang members seem to have discovered these antiquated techniques on the internet, at a time when beatings and straight forward violence simply aren’t enough.”

“The collective gang-mind was evidently searching for the kind of humiliation that has produced the emotionally deficient pyschopaths that have ruled Britain for centuries.”

“Let’s face it: it’s only once you have eaten a digestive covered in other people’s semen that you are really able to make effective leadership decisions.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

via @death_stairs

via @dbrown_esq

The scientists, who recently discovered the frozen alien body on a research trip, plan to defrost the alien to study it.

“It’s been frozen in ice for thousands, if not millions, of years,” said team leader Dr. Garry Campbell. “It’s clearly dead and therefore not a threat to anyone.”

“The worst that could happen is that it smells a bit, but one of the research assistants says he has a can of Febreze handy if that’s the case.”

Campbell says the alien will be thawed out immediately, but he’s also expecting a massive storm to hit the research station any day now and they will lose radio contact for up to a week, though people shouldn’t worry.

Story+Image: Simon Swatman