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Me & My Bumming Machine
No.34 – Pete Waterman
Record producer Pete Waterman, 72, shot to fame
in the 1980’s after resting one of his balls on a synthesiser.
A proud advocate of bumming machines worldwide, he talked
to The Poke about why his bumming machine is so special.
When did you first get your bumming machine?
I inherited it from my mother. I believe she
won it in a bet after setting fire to a Romany’s caravan.
Or she bought it at a car boot sale in Doncaster - Mum was
always very vague! Especially over the identity of my father.
Do you have a pet name for your bumming
machine?
Sir Bums-A-Lot.
Where and when was your bumming machine
first unveiled?
I first used it at a Nun convention in 1976.
I’ve always loved showbiz and performing, so I just ran
on stage, elbowed the Mother Superior in the throat, turned
on the machine and set it to ‘random bumming’. Talk
about raised eyebrows!
What would stop you from using your machine?
An argument with a pirate over rum rations.
Has your bumming machine ever broken?
The central pivot broke after I set the machine
to ‘maximum bumming’ at a party in Chelsea in 1992.
I tried to order the spare parts in from Japan, but in the
end I had to persuade a local blacksmith to make the replacement
pivots out of some lead I acquired from a church roof.
Whose was the most famous bum your machine
has ever attacked?
It once chased Prince Charles down the red
carpet at a premiere some years ago. I originally meant it
to attack Rick Astley’s bum, but it got confused.
What advice would you give to fellow bumming
machine owners?
Always keep the bum-latch mechanism well oiled!
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