UK
Gang News: It may be about ‘repping your ends’ and what postcode you’re from, but when it comes to the internal management of London’s street gangs, criminal teenagers are turning to some rather old-fashioned initiation ceremonies make sure their members are ‘the toughest’.
“Mans might be ready to stab someone up,” says Get Money Gang member X-blox – real...
Bank News: Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Stephen Hester has made a shocking announcement this lunchtime about what he plans to do with his bonus – less than 24 hours after he bowed to political pressure and vowed to give it up entirely.
“I have decided to give myself the bonus after all,” he told a meeting of top executives. “I am going to take out the million in cash and give the...
Bank News: West Yorkshire Police have confirmed the discovery of a dead body in a bank in Leeds – three days after he first entered the premises with the intention of robbing it.
“We can confirm the body of 27-year-old man has been discovered in a branch of the Co-Operative bank in central Leeds,” said a Police spokesman.
“Forensic teams estimate that the man – well known to local...
Gove News: Education and former children’s entertainer Michael Gove today hit back at criticism that he was ‘out of touch’ with the British people by launching a new website, directgove.com, that will connect him directly to the homes, workplaces, and pockets of the electorate.
After Gove’s suggestion that cash-strapped Britain might like to buy the Queen a shiny new mega-boat,...
Scotland News: A shock new poll has revealed that the English counties of Cumbria, Northumberland, Durham and Yorkshire are demanding they also get to join Scotland.
“Scotland has all the oil and whisky” said a spokesman from Yorkshire County Council. “So it’s pretty much a no-brainer for us.”
Durham County Council was more succinct in their reasons. “It’s not so much about a Scottish...
Chef Antony Worrall Thompson and TV host Richard Madeley have announced plans to launch a surprisingly cheap wine and cheese supply business.
The cook and former This Morning presenter were both keen to stress that the cut-price business will offer a selection of hand picked wines and cheeses that are definitely not stolen from the nearest Tesco.
“I have personally selected all of our stock,”...
Clegg News: Nick Clegg is really looking forward to having something light, like a salad, for his supper tonight after all the festivities.
“Like most of us, Nick’s been really over indulging in the last two weeks” confirmed Clegg’s spokesman Vincent Gambas-Tostada. “So tonight he’s going to take it easy. Nothing too rich or too filling.”
“To tell you the truth I’ve been looking...
Xmas News: Deputy PM Nick Clegg will not eat with the grown-ups, and instead sit at the children’s table during the Downing Street Christmas lunch this year.
The move is understood to have come about after Cameron’s recent threats to pull out of the Christmas lunch all together and eat his, alone, in the kitchen.
Cameron would only return to the table if Clegg was forced to sit with the children,...
