Victoria Wood died two years ago today so here are 59 of her very best quotes
Victoria Wood died two years ago today so here are 59 of the sadly-missed comedian’s very best lines.
1.
"Honestly, who has sex on Christmas morning?"
"The Dalai Lama!"
"Well he must peel his sprouts the night before." pic.twitter.com/3tdyuIhaRt— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 19, 2016
2.
"Do you do sugar free muesli?"
"No. This is a canteen, not a ground sheet at Glastonbury." pic.twitter.com/WuGtt5p88M— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 27, 2017
3.
I've got no sex life, I've got no frying pan, and I'm halfway through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely can't stand. pic.twitter.com/ELGiWEDrfe
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 7, 2017
4.
Daddy and I aren't into the drug scene, though we were the first couple in our crescent to use Hermesetas. pic.twitter.com/YpnJlsilMH
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 26, 2017
5.
"He once made a pass at me, Jean."
"Did he?"
"He didn't get anywhere, I was in a wrap-round cardigan." pic.twitter.com/6G5hNMyWXr— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 10, 2017
6.
"Now. Call me a dashingly romantic sentimental old softheart, Vicky-"
"I haven't got time." pic.twitter.com/PEETbz7Z0N— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 1, 2017
7.
For a person with a full sex life, she's done a heck of a lot of tapestries. pic.twitter.com/SuwXMUkKu2
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 15, 2017
8.
The Italians have got opera, the Spanish have got flamenco dancing. What have we got? Weight Watchers. pic.twitter.com/6bHjJH5748
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 21, 2017
9.
I've had my share of gynaecological gyp. I still can't polka without wincing, but we're spunky in Cheadle, we totter on. pic.twitter.com/cB76GiXHMC
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 26, 2017
10.
I never speak behind people's backs. If I've anything nasty to say, I pop it on a postcard. pic.twitter.com/C11JMuV1AE
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 1, 2016
11.
"Monday, I thought I was having an early menopause."
"And were you?"
"No, the dog had been beggaring about with the thermostat." pic.twitter.com/PqMv1coYx6— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 8, 2017
12.
She said "Kitty, do you like fun?". I said no I don't. I had enough of that in 1957 when I got trapped in a lift with a hula hoop salesman. pic.twitter.com/RbMf0Qk2mc
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) November 4, 2016
13.
We don't do tuna and sweetcorn. We only do tuna 'n' sweetcorn. pic.twitter.com/i54TGpQjf3
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 4, 2017
14.
I've caught this cold off Susan in smoked meats. Well, they're not smoked when they come in, but she's on sixty a day. pic.twitter.com/wunTPZ1yaF
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 16, 2017
15.
I love gay people. I couldn't be a gay man though. I couldn't face all that ironing. pic.twitter.com/CFkCt4Q6g3
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 6, 2017
16.
"What's the soup, dear?"
"Country vegetable."
"What country, Taiwan?" pic.twitter.com/weDqfiCUEk— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 1, 2017
17.
Everybody in my class was enormous. They had to stop us doing cross country running because we dented a viaduct. pic.twitter.com/lHRVZSp6Wf
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 13, 2017
18.
I'm going North. It's a compulsion with me. Even in Tesco's I head straight for the freezer cabinets on the back wall. pic.twitter.com/WDjpFXbXMI
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 27, 2017
19.
"Did you go and see Macbeth?"
"Mmm. Wasn't a patch on Brigadoon." pic.twitter.com/1yVOdqto95— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 2, 2017
20.
Don't forget I was in Beirut with Mandy Rice-Davies; I understand entertainment on a shoestring. pic.twitter.com/IWhwJCTAHn
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 22, 2017
21.
Is genitalia the silver stuff you drape over the branches? pic.twitter.com/aVmB3V3jsb
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 21, 2016
22.
Everywhere in Scotland is spelt 'Ecclefechan', but pronounced 'Kirkcudbright'. pic.twitter.com/pk2BdfKwye
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 10, 2017
23.
I'm apparently something of a celebrity since I walked the Pennine Way in slingbacks in an attempt to publicise mental health. pic.twitter.com/YPdyYIyf0c
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 15, 2016
24.
I've loved you since the first minute you gave me extra gravy. pic.twitter.com/NwnN0CIilf
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 14, 2017
25.
Welcome to my Friday night low-impact class for fatties with attitude. Welcome to Fattitude! pic.twitter.com/a7yZ30yuNt
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 24, 2017
26.
Delia Smith's never got syphilis. How dare they! Don't tell me a woman with spotless tea towels would stoop to that kind of infection! pic.twitter.com/dV7cLS5Tv8
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 18, 2017
27.
"But where are the three little trees?"
"They're not real trees, they're symbolic."
"Like Pinter?" pic.twitter.com/pNPmUfG0bk— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 17, 2017
28.
"There's croutons."
"With my molars? Filthy French habit." pic.twitter.com/SCKWI24ipE— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 18, 2017
29.
I've met Mr Wrong. I've met several Mr Reasonably Okays. I've spent a very long afternoon in a bus shelter with Mr Halitosis. pic.twitter.com/SQYEgMJn4s
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 7, 2017
30.
"It's a melting pot, Stan. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot."
"It's a toss pot." pic.twitter.com/FbCu7biRiG— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 27, 2017
31.
It's just one of the things I've always wanted to do, swim the Channel. And meet Bonnie Tyler. pic.twitter.com/eIcNU66LLb
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 19, 2017
32.
She'd come round on her way back from giving blood – and why they want it beats me, because the way she eats, it must be A Rhesus Nougat. pic.twitter.com/Vvifvdiljj
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 23, 2017
33.
The director did us a quiche. I suppose it's his acne but I definitely detected a tang of Clearasil. pic.twitter.com/5O4TxM2WAn
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 23, 2017
34.
Can I order my toast now? I've got to fax Tokyo. pic.twitter.com/MGg3uQnRCA
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 14, 2017
35.
She was wearing a pair of bright red lycra cycling shorts. From the back it looked like two halves of Edam. pic.twitter.com/h0apVvIIbF
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 13, 2017
36.
I said to Col – get your duffle. Two pounds on a box of Quality Street and somebody says 'womb'. pic.twitter.com/hmTpZjzoV3
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 5, 2017
37.
I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill. pic.twitter.com/f3gBpOgHf4
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 13, 2017
38.
"Can't they operate?"
"I haven't time to go in, I'm on the phone night and day about that carpet." pic.twitter.com/Qt5oweyBmT— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 12, 2017
39.
Yes, I do look rather startled, don't I? It was taken in a photo booth, and someone had just poked an eclair through the curtains. pic.twitter.com/TmOZnHSTKU
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 7, 2016
40.
Anyway, we reached a compromise. I got what I wanted, and they didn't. pic.twitter.com/0rCHGLwWWz
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 31, 2016
41.
This is my daughter. Born Christmas Eve, so we called her Brenda. pic.twitter.com/EyKNknc0oZ
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 24, 2016
42.
I'm looking for me friend. pic.twitter.com/kBrC0JXPZR
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 1, 2017
43.
You can't have a masseur called Harold. That's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena. pic.twitter.com/p57n5vXajx
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 20, 2017
44.
I never go wild sex-wise anyway because of the greyhound. pic.twitter.com/1m200Y0NQO
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 26, 2017
45.
She claims to be dieting, but every time we have Doh A Deer A Female Deer there's a terrible whiff of pear drops. pic.twitter.com/N4guqD2F7g
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 9, 2017
46.
She's knocking back something out of a bottle, something purple. I think probably meths; I'm guessing not Ribena Toothkind. pic.twitter.com/LMhUUMkc3i
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 8, 2017
47.
Ready to order, sir? Madam? pic.twitter.com/y5tgCWaIqd
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 9, 2016
48.
She never went swimming; she always had her period. In the end they sent someone round from the Guinness Book of Records. pic.twitter.com/Bt7prk1FQA
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 9, 2017
49.
I can't say this often enough. It may be Hamlet, but it's got to be fun, fun, fun! pic.twitter.com/JFOnJLJRVU
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 4, 2017
50.
Pelvic muscles. Very important muscles. They won't help you with giving birth but they might stop you pissing yourself at Christmas. pic.twitter.com/T9EphLH423
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 22, 2016
51.
Doctor Brewster says if I don't keep it lagged for the winter I could be spending a penny every twenty minutes come March. pic.twitter.com/l5lZtZQTOX
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 24, 2017
52.
"Does she like Spain?"
"Well, she likes the majesty and grandeur of the landscape, but she's not too keen on the bacon." pic.twitter.com/0oFFe6ZPR6— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) November 21, 2016
53.
She hadn't changed. New haircut. If it hadn't been bright blue she'd have been a dead ringer for Stanley Matthews. pic.twitter.com/TPF5bYfros
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 9, 2017
54.
Welcome to Music For Posh People, the game that takes all the enjoyment out of listening to music. pic.twitter.com/88W04sqkT4
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) February 15, 2017
55.
I'm learning a language. It's called 'Get By In Flemish'. I'm learning it in case I ever go to Flem. pic.twitter.com/XpkVsxVxEo
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) March 8, 2017
56.
He said, do you want a drink or do you want a kick up the bum with an open toed sandal? I said get you Eamonn Andrews. pic.twitter.com/1NV2K7CcDc
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) January 16, 2017
57.
Her mummy has sent me a picture of Holly-Louise in the garden. I think Mummy must be a little bit common judging by the sun loungers. pic.twitter.com/s7bmVG1Q3I
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) November 8, 2016
58.
I was very anti-Falklands, for example. I wanted to boycott Fray Bentos and leave it there. pic.twitter.com/2d37q5g9bZ
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 30, 2016
59.
I just hate the fact that someone could walk in while you're watching a black and white film and think that you can't afford colour. pic.twitter.com/TenUnJmhm3
— Victoria Wood QOTD (@VictoriaQOTD) December 26, 2016
Still miss her comedy presence.
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