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Most entertaining – and infuriating – newspaper blind date ever

John Plunkett. Updated June 28th, 2017

Those newspaper blind date columns are always worth a read, but this one is seriously next level.

Spare a thought for the woman who had the misfortune to go out with the world’s biggest, well, you be the judge.

This is Billy. He’s an ‘actor’.

First impression

She was about five minutes late, which annoyed the shit out of me. As soon as she walked into the room, I knew she wasn’t the girl for me. She didn’t have the goods.

Chemistry

Whether I was attracted to her or not, I still had to sit there for two hours and be a gentleman. We had a nice conversation. She complemented me many times.

Awkward moment

She ordered the filet mignon well done. The waiter just looked at me, and I looked at the waiter. I was like, ‘live your life, but this is not Outback Steakhouse, girl.’

Afterward

I was trying to be nice and end the date, but the waiter was like, ‘Do you want some ice cream? And she was like, ‘Yay! Ice cream!’ So that was another 20 minutes.

The verdict

There was nothing drawing me in. She was very sweet, always smiling, always bubbly. But I feel like I took two hours of my time and just burned it. (1 star out of five)

Yeah, I think we all know a Billy.

Over to you, Alyssa.

First impressions

I didn’t want to be that girl who’s late, and I was trying really hard, but I was about three minutes late. He stood up and we hugged. He was really nice and charming.

Chemistry

He’s an actor and that’s totally uncharted territory for me. I like a really stable job in a significant other. But the conversation was really friendly. He did a lot of the talking.

Awkward moment

A couple of times he told me not to be nervous. I wasn’t nervous, but that made me second guess myself and got in my head. And then the conversation stalled.

Afterward

We got a little ice cream faterward, which was awesome. We both gabbed about the fact that we really respect a place that will give you a macaron with your ice cream.

The verdict

We left the restaurant, walked to the subway, and said goodbye. I’m really glad that I met him; he was really interesting and cool. But I got more of a friend vibe (3 stars out of 5).

Here’s some more verdicts from Twitter.

Then people started coming on Twitter claiming to know him and it just got better and better.

And like all the best romcoms, there was a twist…

Billy, is that you?

Gotta be a sequel. Any chance of a second date?