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85 short jokes that’ll make you laugh *despite* yourself

Normal Bates. Updated March 31st, 2017


KevlarGorilla over on Reddit writes, “What is the shortest, very funny joke you know?”

And we’ve read the lot and picked 85 of the best. Here you go!

  1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery
  2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  3. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
  4. My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
  5. You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
  6. I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
  7. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
  8. At an interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
  9. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
  10. Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
  11. Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large.
  12. Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
  13. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
  14. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
  15. “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
  16. What’s the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
  17. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
  18. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
  19. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  20. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
  21. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
  22. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  23. Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
  24. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
  25. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
  26. I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
  27. Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
  28. What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs. (This is also my all time favorite joke)
  29. “I stand corrected”, said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
  30. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K.
  31. Why shouldn’t you hire a midget as a chef?The steaks are too high
  32. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes \*whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” \*whack*
  33. A baby seal walks into a club.
  34. Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
  35. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
  36. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
  37. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  38. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
  39. Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
  40. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
  41. What do you call a french man in sandals? Phelipe Phalop.
  42. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  43. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  44. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
  45. Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
  46. An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
  47. Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
  48. What do you call an epileptic person in a garden? Seizure salad.
  49. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic’s Association
  50. Two scientists walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have an H2O, too.” He died.
  51. What’s the purpose of reindeer? To make the grass grow sweetie
  52. What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
  53. What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
  54. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A cant opener
  55. “Torture me” said the masochist. “No”, the sadist smiled!
  56. Velcro. What a rip-off.
  57. A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘
  58. When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
  59. All in all…. it was a good orgy.
  60. Say what you want about deaf people…
  61. A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
  62. Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? They’re making headlines.
  63. Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
  64. So a blind man walks into a bar, a bus stop and a fence.
  65. Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
  66. When you mix alcohol and literature, you get Tequila Mockingbird
  67. My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
  68. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
  69. How are broccoli and anal sex similar? If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult
  70. Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff………..Budum tssshh!!!
  71. What do you call the little Irish man that lives on your porch? Patty O’Furniture
  72. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
  73. My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. ”………..dishes
  74. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
  75. 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
  76. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  77. Stationery store moves
  78. What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
  79. An elf, a man, and a wizard walk into a bar. The hobbit laughs as he walks under it.
  80. How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
  81. Pedophiles are like tortoises, they both want to get there before the hair.
  82. How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
  83. A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, “Well, that answers that question…”
  84. Cunnilingus is a bit of a mouthful
  85. Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’

If you have any of your own to share – make sure you add them in the comments on Facebook or Twitter.

Source: Reddit