Depressed bowl of Christmas nuts wonders why nobody has touched it in weeks

“Just over a fortnight they couldn’t get enough of me,” sobbed the bowl. “The house was full of the joyous sound of laughter and my nuts were taken on an almost hourly basis.”

“Now I just sit there on the table, untouched and unloved. I don’t think anyone has even glanced in my direction in days – I’m now feeling deeply insecure about this whole relationship, and the fact it’s bin day on Friday is filling me with a deeply melancholic sense of dread.”

While the bowl of nuts admits things have changed since it first moved in with the family, it feels it still has a lot to offer in the relationship.

“Yes I’ve changed – I’ve lost most of my hazelnuts now, because that’s the first thing people for for – but I still have plenty of walnuts and the odd brazil to offer. There’s plenty more left in me before you put the nutcracker away for another year.”