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London to get “fellatio and coffee cafe”: the only (funny) Twitter reactions you need to read

Normal Bates. Updated August 4th, 2016

The world of Twitter has been agog this morning that London might be getting a “fellatio and coffee cafe” since an extraordinary interview appeared in the Independent with the hopeful founder, who’s previously come to media attention with a plan for a similar one in Geneva.

Have you found a precise location for the London one? Why did you choose Paddington?

Yes, the Fellatio Café will be deployed in UK. We have found a location on Praed Street. Why there? Because it’s close to the Hilton hotel and the Paddington station. There are a few hotels around there and tons of visitors each day.

Prostitution is legal over in Geneva but the law is more complicated here, are the police going to be okay with this idea?

The first Fellatio Café will open in Geneva, where everything related to this activity is legal. After the success of this news, BumPix got in touch with us to launch this concept in the UK, so our lawyer is currently setting everything up to be sure that the concept will be legal in the UK as well.

People are basically split into two camps

  • Horrified and wanting to make sure this NEVER happens:
    e.g. @JoLiptrott who has tweeted the London Mayor Sadiq Kahn to say, “I hope you will do everything in your power to stop this happening?? Women are not commodities.”

  • Thinking it’ll never happen:
    e.g. @pastachips says, “[this] will be immediately hit by brothel-keeping laws. Do people think these laws are a joke? Don’t apply them?”

We’re firmly in the “this will never happen camp” therefore we’re enjoying the jokes:

So the best four tweets? Let’s go!

1.

2.

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4. Also special mention goes to @clickbaitrobot who wrote some code to generate additional “fellatio and coffee cafes”:

16 “Coffee and Fellatio Cafes” autogenerated by @clickbaitrobot

1. Birmingham To Get Jellied Eel And Creampie Snack Bar And It’s What You Need Right Now

2. Bradford To Get Victoria Sponge Cake And Sloppy Seconds Bar And It’s Guaranteed To Make You Laugh

3. Chipping Norton To Get Orange And Fisting Pizzeria And It’s Just A Symptom Of Gentrification, Not The Cause

4. Clapham To Get Welsh Rarebit And Dirty Sanchez Deli And It’s Just Too Much

5. Edinburgh To Get Pizza And Creampie Hamburger Stand And It’s Too Perfect

6. Glasgow To Get Scone And Pearl Necklace Bar And It’s Never Not Funny

7. Hackney To Get Lemon Meringue And Saliva Exchange Canteen And It’s What You Need Right Now

8. Hull To Get Lemon And Saliva Exchange Deli And It’s Making People Laugh Way Harder Than They Should

9. Kentish Town To Get Treacle Tart And Cum Shot Bistro And It’s Unacceptable

10. Leeds To Get Lincolnshire Sausage And Non-Penetrative Sex Deli And It’s Not OK

11. London To Get Bovril And Cum Shot Canteen And It’s Lit AF

12. Nottingham To Get Sussex Pond Pudding And Urethral Intercourse Bar And It’s Unacceptable

13. Stoke-on-Trent To Get Bread And Butter Pudding And Rusty Trombone Hotdog Stand And It’s Hot AF

14. Sunderland To Get Orange And Anilingus Luncheonette And It’s Godly

15. Wolverhampton To Get Ham And Bareback Canteen And It’s Hot AF

16. York To Get Oreo And Anal Sex Hotdog Stand And It’s Making People Laugh Way Harder Than They Should

However, the interests of balance we’ll leave the final word to @LuckyStubbs who says, “I’m gonna smash the windows in and shit in it.”