EU to get Scotland every other weekend and during school holidays

“When relationships end it’s important to make sure the children don’t suffer,” said one expert.

“Hopefully these custody arrangements make everything perfectly clear and we avoid the bitter fighting seen with many couples who divorce. The last thing we want is either parent using their child for some kind of emotional blackmail.”

“Those weekends and summer holidays will be great,” said Scotland.

“Me and the EU will do all kinds of fun things like going to Disneyland Paris and eating chips and ice cream and staying up really late.”

“The boring school days with the UK will be so crap – I expect all I’ll hear about is doing my homework and why I can’t have a new pair of trainers because money is a bit tight at the moment. I imagine I’ll spend most of the time in my room.”