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The Twitter account @Highgatemums is pure genius, they’re up in the poshest bit of London and listening in on the “ladies who brunch”, and oh my, it’s truly another world.

highgatemum

So here’s twenty-six of the utterly most jaw-dropping things they’ve overheard:

  • “Sweetheart, I don’t blame the Art teacher for scolding you. This piece is devastatingly lacklustre.”
  • “My girl’s in the lowest tier, but I’m convinced she’s being used to be an aspirational focus for her less-abled classmates.”
  • “Darling, don’t scrape your chair. It makes your presence over-known.”
  • “School hours are designed for the convenience of the teachers and pupils and frankly nobody else. Nobody else AT ALL.”
  • “Her first words were ‘shoes’ and ‘brioche’.”
  • “I know she’s mine, but she’s an appalling painter. Her use of greens is one of the few saving graces.”
  • “I just can’t find a fucking croissant for Eddie anywhere on the high street!”
  • “Well, porridge can be for anyone. Not just the poor.”
  • “The workmen start on the basement conversion at eight. All for a bloody home cinema thing. My quality of life is near absolute zero.”
  • “Those baby Mandarin class sounds interesting. I imagine babies find making those sorts of noises quite easy.”
  • “They don’t wrap properly at Amazon. At least face-on at Waterstone’s you can get them to do it again.”
  • “Like everyone, I am appalled by the Islamist attack on Charlie Hebdo. But I am also struck by its similarity to the plot of my last novel”
  • “Jessica! If you don’t learn to spell your teacher will think you’re just like the rest of them.”
  • “People underestimate how stressful it is moving to a house that’s nearly twice as big. Every room feels like an empty bachelor pad.”
  • “How can they really claim poverty when they have a television? Or carpets?”
  • “You can chuck a coffee table in the middle of the room but it’s still a £500k house.”
  • “It annoys me that my own child wears cotton without any sense of its history or the historic struggles in its manufacture.”
  • “There’s no nicer way to put this, but frankly ANYONE can afford to go skiing these days.”
  • “There’s a sadness in his eyes. I’m sure it comes from an awareness that he’ll have to intellectually leave his friends behind.”
  • (loudly, in coffee shop, to daughter) “Do you want an education? Or to end up working somewhere like this?”
  • “He gets annoyed that nobody realises ‘Jack’ is short for ‘Jacobean’.”
  • “The staff’s negative attitudes is what I’m talking about. To me Jessica’s lying is symptomatic of an intelligent ability to empathise.”
  • “If he’s playing iPhone games in class it’s surely the teacher’s fault for a dull lesson. You may as well blame Apple.”
  • “If they sweat in Games don’t they feel ugly? I don’t want my children feeling ugly at a school I pay for.”
  • “She got a splinter. Fair enough we were in Highgate Woods but there really should have been warnings posted.”
  • “Last Christmas we didn’t give gifts to each other. Instead we gave to Nature by throwing sticks into the ponds at Hampstead Heath.”

If you enjoyed this as much as we did, get more at @Highgatemums.

 

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