Bono heads to Syria

Irish rock legend Bono had to face criticisms last week over his description of the Paris attacks as a ‘a direct hit against music‘ – but today the U2 singer reasserted his position as choirmaster of the War On Terror with a bold announcement.

“I’m going to Syria myself,” Bono told reporters during a hastily announced press conference at Island Records in Dublin this morning.

“We’ve already chartered a large cruise ship, and my close friend Barack Obama has promised me a naval escort. Basically I’m going to head right up to the Syrian coast. Then, when I have those troubled lands laid out before me, I’m going to stand on the prow of that ship, and I’m going to do something that’s never been done before.”

“I’m going to take my sunglasses off.”

Amidst scenes of chaos within the record company building, the singer refused to be drawn on precisely what effect the removal of his sunglasses will have, though speculation abounds.

“None of the streets will have any names,” said one insider. “Everyone fighting will simply have to stop because they’ll need to ask directions.”

“What we do know is the whole country will be swept by two rays of pure rock energy,” said Professor Mark Walport, the UK Government’s Chief Scientific Advisor. “But no one can possibly predict how that will play out on the ground. My belief is that everyone will simply drop their weapons and hold their lighters up. Even if it’s daytime. Even if it’s windy.”