50 Tweets to brighten your day #4
Twitter isn’t just angry people screaming their opinions at each other.
Ok it is mostly that, but there are some people who throw jokes into the void, and here are some of our favourites.
1.
Pretend to be a Rapper by asking ladies in bikinis what your name is.
— Trouteyes (@trouteyes) November 13, 2013
2.
The Cheese Of Truth Vs The Daily Mail https://t.co/KTp7ZF28vS
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 24, 2015
3.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) December 7, 2013
4.
Adulthood is just seeing how much you can get done while tired.
— Very Scary Reindeer (@KalvinMacleod) June 13, 2015
5.
did… did a rottweiler write this pic.twitter.com/cmK7icX2J7
— And Molldron Bubble (@ilikemints) September 14, 2015
6.
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby* Oh no was it expensive?
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 7, 2014
7.
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 17, 2012
8.
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn't know about milk?
— Jhorts (@JhonRules) September 25, 2015
9.
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) April 10, 2015
10.
"Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?" "Aisle B, back".
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) September 11, 2015
11.
An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) September 15, 2015
12.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
13.
if u can't handle me at my worst then my best is literally the same except I brush my hair
— real scary treasure✨ (@imteddybless) March 4, 2014
14.
next door's new cat is fucking massive pic.twitter.com/6WwEQdMfS6
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 10, 2015
15.
She came from Greece, she had a faulty socket. Her eye fell out, she couldn't stop it. That's when I caught her eye.
— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) September 7, 2015
16.
If anyone needs a taxidermied badger that's been turned into a theremin, I saw this one for sale on Facebook earlier. pic.twitter.com/yUvP66eFFI
— cluedont (@cluedont) September 15, 2015
17.
ME: "Trick or bear?" NEIGHBOR: "Bear?" ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!" [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 31, 2014
18.
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— an actual ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 31, 2015
19.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Screamavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
20.
i love the term “partners.” are we dating? do we run a legal firm? are we robbing a bank? Who knows.
— yu narukami (@yunacaromi) August 24, 2015
21.
You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: pic.twitter.com/gfkUGVcb3p
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) December 18, 2013
22.
Women's deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow Men's: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) December 1, 2014
23.
i have good and bad news Wife: Ok, the bad news? i didn't clean out the garage Wife:*sigh* the good news? [holds up cat dressed as Thor]
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) March 6, 2015
24.
[feeding baby] Me: open wide for the airplane Wife: he's 3 months old. He's not ready for pizza Baby: you fucken stay outta this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 1, 2015
25.
I always pay for my own dinner so my date can save his money for therapy
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) July 18, 2015
26.
Actually Roxanne, when cycling late at night, you DO have to put on that red light. Be safe, be seen, Roxanne.
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) March 31, 2015
27.
[Interview] “Name?” Superm—I mean, Clark… fuck [flies around earth, reverses time] “Greatest weakness?” Kryptoni—DAMN IT.
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) July 18, 2015
28.
"Have some respect. This is a funeral" *slowly removes giant sombrero revealing smaller yet still pretty big sombrero*
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 18, 2015
29.
*calls over air steward* can i get a pepsi and some plain nuts please *steward leans in* up here we just call them nuts, sir
— SPOKY ᴱᴳᴳ ᴰᴼᴳ HALOWE (@egg_dog) September 15, 2015
30.
I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE pic.twitter.com/POeUOOrOX3
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 31, 2015
31.
playboy: "apparently they just read it for the articles" [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: "well this has back-fired massively"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) October 13, 2015
32.
has anyone done the joke yet of how confusing it must be to sing this woman happy birthday? pic.twitter.com/PtunGjcbNw
— sasha (@sashadaisical) October 11, 2015
33.
Okay, who knew that this could happen? All these years. Mind blown. pic.twitter.com/AP2St0fwzJ
— Hugo Rifkind (@hugorifkind) October 14, 2015
34.
Bought some popcorn at the cinema earlier. Just need to get a pay rise, sell a few of my possessions and I'll be back on my feet in no time.
— cluedont (@cluedont) October 11, 2015
35.
Thought I saw Van Morrison go past my window this morning. Turns out it was just a Morrisons van reversing. Embarrassing.
— Jason (@NickMotown) October 2, 2013
36.
If you let Google finish the lyrics to Frank Sinatra's My Way you create something beautiful. pic.twitter.com/bJUVvQZwk9
— TechnicallyRaaaaargh (@TechnicallyRon) October 16, 2015
37.
DYSTOPIA: Sam Smith sings at the Spice Girls' funeral. pic.twitter.com/YtCmeu74NI
— keverrst (@keverrst) September 30, 2015
38.
Anyone know how to get the moon symbol off the top of my phone ? pic.twitter.com/0iVvsCtL4P
— Roberto (@VintagePear) April 29, 2014
39.
My son saw this and asked why the sign for "video" was "bunkbed". pic.twitter.com/egrIvOwurj
— Ed Morrish (@edmorrish) March 10, 2015
40.
GENTRIFICATION AT WORK pic.twitter.com/h2yW8bliUY
— woodrow phoenix (@mrphoenix) October 7, 2015
41.
please help me I've been stuck in this bathroom for 3 hours pic.twitter.com/UKyslelqFg
— Ben Cohen (@UniqueDude2) August 30, 2015
42.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) October 9, 2014
43.
WHAT IS IN THESE pic.twitter.com/XZPh8qnHbX
— brianna telise (@thinkbri) September 28, 2015
44.
You've heard of alphabet soup; now get ready for: Times new ramen.
— Shadow Domme (@Lady_Ada_King) September 27, 2015
45.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans. "Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist
— jackson (@tricycle_champ) April 28, 2015
46.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters. Dog 2: woof? Dog 1: You're not even trying.
— Paul (@bingowings14) April 20, 2015
47.
"Fly me to the Moon, let me play among the stars" – Frank Sinatra "I need to borrow your shuttle, I can't say why…" – Evasive Sinatra
— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) December 22, 2014
48.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2013
49.
this is the same species that split the atom and sent a probe to pluto pic.twitter.com/IgOQ3tvca9
— Luke Bailey (@imbadatlife) October 11, 2015
50.
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
— Oonagh (@Okeating) October 12, 2015
