10 tips for throwing a children’s party

Are you planning a children’s party and worried you’ll end up a tearful wreck, hiding in a cupboard swigging from a bottle of brandy? Fear not, Michael Spicer has some terrific tips to help you out.

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10 Tips for Throwing a Children’s Party

1) Keep the number of invited friends at a minimum by ensuring that your child is unpopular.

2) If your son or daughter has specified that they don’t want a particular child to attend the party, invite them anyway and tell them that this is just how life is. Drive the point home by giving the unwanted child all the presents too.

3) Try to encourage other parents to stay for the party by letting down their tyres.

4) Party bags are a great way of saying ‘Continue the party at home, far, far away from me’.

5) If you’re looking for a theme for your party, popular themes are ‘chaotic’ or ‘incorrectly budgeted’ or ‘interminably long’.

6) A treasure hunt will excite the children so bury something in the garden that looks important but actually has no value at all – like a bag of chocolate coins or a Kinder Egg toy or your CV.

7) If you’re keen to place irrational fear in your child that may one day manifest itself in adult life as a serious neurosis, hire a clown.

8) If you’re hiring a magician, refrain from the ones who change people’s lives through terrifying staged scenarios produced by extreme hypnosis as they tend to be rather elaborate and last for months. Stick to the ones who make doves appear from their sleeves, they’ll be done by five at the latest.

9) Make sure plenty of crisps, sandwiches and cakes are available for the children to tread into your carpet.

10) Soft play centres are very popular with parents for throwing a children’s party. This is because you’re essentially putting them in a giant cage for a few hours while you check your phone and drink coffee.