Amazon launches Petrol Forecourt Prime
Amazon News: There was a time when a love cheat had to actually had to leave the house in order to make things right with his partner, courtesy of a forlorn bunch of guilt-trip daffs from the local Jet. But no more. Amazon Petrol Forecourt Prime claims to be able to hook customers up with moody bucket blooms, flammable grey bears holding hearts and The Best of Billy Ocean (on an obscure East German record label) within 120 minutes of placing an order.
“It seems a bit daft that you have to actually embark on a lengthy car journey or desperately drive round town against the clock, in order to enjoy some of the otherwise elusive bounty of the petrol station shop,” Amazon spokesperson Charlie Charles told reporters. “Try buying Ibiza Dance Anthems as compiled by Andrew Marr, in HMV. You can’t! Because it doesn’t exist!”
Speaking at the press launch of Petrol Forecourt Prime, Charles explained: “There’s a real consumer trend here related to guilt, tiredness and futility and we aim to fully harvest it with the lightning quick response times people expect online.” “We want that torn copy of The Sunday People in your hand before you’ve even realised you don’t actually want it.”
The top selling items on PFP include a Mr Bean ironing board cover, the DVD life story of Michael Flatley and an ‘omni phone charger’ that fails to charge eight differing mobile connections. The ‘Del Boy’ tin of cough sweets and a framed picture of a kitten sitting inside a ceramic shoe, have completely sold out.
Of course, this burgeoning marketplace spells big business for many petrol forecourt suppliers, such as Red Heron Records from Rotterdam, who are now fully able to capitalise on its newly acquired back catalogue of Welsh indie legends The Alarm.
“We have seen a massive spike in orders,” claims Dreamtime promotions from Dunstable, another forecourt supplier, who are enjoying a massive spike in sales of its limited edition fruit jellies ‘as chosen by The Stig’.
