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Government urged to improve rural gentrification speeds

Countryside News: The government has been urged to improve rural gentrification speeds, so people in the countryside also have easy access to pulled pork, fixed gear bikes and overpriced coffee.

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“The gentrification of the countryside is happening far too slowly,” said one resident of the small village of Fenwick, South Yorkshire.

“Local scenesters are forced to travel over thirty miles to buy a banjo, and have to make do with slowly downloading pictures of artisanal hamburgers, rather than paying £15 to eat one.”

“I’m ashamed to say this, but not one man in my village has a pharaoh-style beard or top knot hairstyle – and the local pub serves almost nothing for those of us on a paleo diet.”

The government minister for rural gentrification agrees that there is still much to be done.

“At the moment there are still small towns and villages across the UK where the local population can still afford to buy a home and don’t have high streets that seem to consist solely of estate agents.”

“This needs to end, to ensure that everyone in the country can be equally displaced by people with more money than them.”

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