The wonderful and bizarre world of twitter guides us through the last 7 days in brilliant fashion.
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) February 12, 2015
Took us a while…
What a way to make a living. pic.twitter.com/iT1BPXjYgp
— T'Other Simon (@TOther_Simon) February 17, 2015
On fifty shades…
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) February 16, 2015
Ironically the only way I'd watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) February 15, 2015
My 2nd favourite thing just now is Fifty Shades of Grey jokes. My favourite thing is everything else in the entire world
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) February 16, 2015
Makes an ass out of you and me….
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 14, 2015
And a lottery win…
"dont get conned into spendin our lottery money" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? "NO" ok [to salesman] one shark pls
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 17, 2015
Kate Middleton’s hair
Her 33 year old Husband is bald FFS! pic.twitter.com/cMahiukfC6
— Roisin Conaty (@Roisinconaty) February 19, 2015
"PLEASE ALLOW GHOSTS AND ALL OTHER BENEVOLENT SPIRITS TO EXIT BEFORE BOARDING" pic.twitter.com/OhNCxDgzZq
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 18, 2015
A test of equanimity
The true test of a person's character is whether they can react with equanimity when their iTunes playlist is turned off at a party.
— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) February 17, 2015
A special guest…
"Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
— Mat (@MatCro) February 18, 2015
Trying to give up things for lent
I’m giving up autocorrect jokes for lint.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 18, 2015
Lying can help you get out of awkward situations
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 13, 2015
We see the early career of Sam Smith
Sam Smith's smartened up a bit since he found success. pic.twitter.com/m7b9VIVREk
— Oonagh (@Okeating) February 14, 2015
It was Valentine’s Day
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
— Peter Smithson (@P_Smithson) February 14, 2015
And the start of Lent
For Lent, I've given up music. There is a god.
— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) February 20, 2015
Romantic messages are sent
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 8, 2015
The greatest gif ever is discovered (until someone discovers the next ‘greatest gif ever’)
I've watched this GIF about 100 times in the last 24 hours. Can't stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/k7eKc8wqRP
— blprnt (@blprnt) February 18, 2015
Valuable life lessons are taught
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
— huntigula (@huntigula) February 10, 2014
And stories are told
Parent teacher conference: Well, Mr. and Mrs., Billy only got 3 favs. *Gasps* *Dad leans in* "RTs? How many RTs?" … *cue sobs*
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) February 17, 2014
*runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*
— A-tron (@Abusitron) February 17, 2015
[Dinner party] "So what do you do?" Impressionist art "Oh really?" Yeah look *puts spaghetti on my head* this is an impression of your wife.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 16, 2015
This caption isn't correct pic.twitter.com/PdoN5OfUJG
— rob manuel (@robmanuel) February 16, 2015
And in more disturbing ways.
1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015
Meanwhile in showbiz news
Vanilla Ice's real crime is not having had enough hits for us to make feeble puns about his arrest.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 19, 2015
When all the movies you're in are straight trash, but its okay because a giant cat loves you pic.twitter.com/Do4XpJxHJE
— Isaiah T. Taylor (@Bboy_Izilla) February 14, 2015
A murder case develops
[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
— Nick Kay (@TheRealNickKay) February 15, 2015
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
— picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 17, 2014
Surprise celebrity findings
Tony Hart was my favourite celebrity to be named after three body parts.
— Sam (@sam_bambs) February 16, 2015
What they never teach you in history lessons
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E. NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth? BUZZ: Nope *5 minutes silence* BUZZ: OK, yep.
— Diversion (@Diversion50) February 18, 2015
Glastonbury is revealed
Full Glastonbury line up revealed pic.twitter.com/ddrg3weFuv
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) February 19, 2015
Serious business is attended to
[Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1…2… Sir, what are you– 3…4…I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) February 18, 2015
How to deal with spiders
"DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM" [sound of me nailing door shut] Wife "WTF are you doing?" Its too late for her now she's as good as dead
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 16, 2015
How to look normal
Run down the road with a forkful of food making aeroplane noises. Stop a stranger and ask "Did a baby come this way?".
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) February 16, 2015
– My desires are… unconventional. "We know Mr. Schrodinger, we can all hear what's in the box."
— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) February 15, 2015
Solving the Ant crisis
ME: [boils kettle] [carries kettle over to ants nest] [pours a billion little cups of tea]
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 18, 2015
And Unicorn problems
[hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 17, 2015
And Karma catches up with you
Karma – the guy who pushed past me on the tube and then suggested I go F myself just arrived for his interview…with me…
— Matt Buckland (@ElSatanico) February 16, 2015