UKTV’s comedy channel Gold challenged comedians and amateur wits to once again write their own modern festive funnies, after a poll revealed that 72% of the nation thinks that cracker jokes are outdated.


So without further ado, the top ten funniest festive jokes for 2014 are…

1. What will be missing from Take That’s Christmas stocking this year? An Orange.
(by @newtlyn6)

2. How does Luis Suarez like his Christmas dinner? Bite-sized.
(by @jmj92)

3. What do the royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs? Game of Thrones.
(by @ndyflood)

4. What did the Snowman say to the aggressive carrot? ‘Get out of my face.’
(by @_MKNA_)

5. Why is Christmas a busy time for David Cameron? He’s got two parties to organise.
(by @scousescribbler)

6. What’s the difference between Bono and Santa? Santa gives you things you want.
(by @richie_bob)

7. Why won’t Santa visit Nigel Farage? Because he only comes if you sleep, not if UKIP.
(by @Judgement_Dave)

8. Why are snowmen rubbish at cricket? They’re always bowling snow-balls.
(by @misterpoetry)

9. I got a UKIP advent calendar. It’s rubbish, all the doors keep slamming shut.
(by @MartinMorComedy)

10. Why is The Great British Bake Off like the nativity? Because the Star is in the Yeast.
(by @Sophie_A_Fox)

The witticisms that just missed out on the top spots include:

Why were Santa’s helpers in hiding this year? Their naked Elfies were leaked.

Why won’t Santa leave Chris and Gwyneth with his reindeer and sleigh? In case they consciously uncouple.

Why does Santa put chimneys on Tinder? Because he wants them to be swept right.

What girl band sells the cheapest variety of Christmas food? Lidl Mix.

The author of the winning joke, Lynne Newton, received £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of Gold Crackers, one of which will contain her own joke. Lynne says:

“I am so delighted to have my joke chosen as the winner and can’t wait to see it in a Christmas cracker this year – I tried to think of a joke for which all age groups would enjoy the punch line, I hope it gets a great reaction from all who see it! My husband is 50 at the end of the year, so I’m planning to use the prize to surprise him with a holiday.”


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