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10 Winter Sports The Brits Would Actually Be Good At

With the Sochi Winter Olympics starting this week, Robin Flavell has compiled a list of ten seasonal sports that will ensure our athletes bring home a healthy amounts of medals… By Robin Flavell.

1. Modern Anti-Social Spluttering

Spreading the most germs in the shortest period possible is the name of this game. It features three disciplines: busy office, rush-hour train carriage, and Friday night crowded boozer.

2. Glove Railing

This mysterious and ancient sport requires participants to locate a single glove (nothing in this game for a pair) and place it conspicuously on a railing, without being spotted. No-one has a clue why.

3. Supermarket Car-park Triathlon

Featuring the combined disciplines of Slipping, Spilling Shopping and Swearing, this sport is exceptionally challenging for competitors, and enormously amusing of spectators.

4. Joking About “Global Warming”

A sport demanding the highest standards of ignorance in which participants compete to see who can make the most facile remark about climate change as soon as it snows. Bonus points are awarded for shoehorning in something painfully obvious about “hose-pipe bans”.

5. Freestyle Lemsipping

This event requires participants to consume as many Lemsips as possible before admitting to not actually feeling that bad in the first place. Additional points are awarded for having wee that smells of lemon.

6. Winter Panic Buying

Combining Running, Carrying and Screaming Wildly, this event demands astute tactical thinking and the willingness to brutally head-butt a pensioner in the face for the last packet of Uncle Ben’s. Judges may award bonus points for particularly irrational over-reacting brought about by reading The Daily Express.

7. Umbrella Jousting

This high-energy sport demands superb hand to eye co-ordination, as brolly-brandishers compete to barge their way along a track (called “a pavement”) crowded with inconsiderate obstacles (known as “pedestrians”). Rain optional.

8. Last Minute Leaving The Central Heating Off

An incredibly daring sport requiring the jumper-wearing participants to risk hypothermia in a bid to reduce domestic fuel bills.

9. Urban Winter Meltdowning

This sport calls for immense powers of disorganisation and ineptitude with the winner being the town or city which is first to descend into total transport chaos at the sight of a snowflake. London under Boris Johnson remains a strong favourite for Gold.

10. Throwing A Sickie

This hugely popular sport calls for nerves of steel, impeccable timing and the ability to do a heart-wrenching “boo-hoo, me ‘as got a sniffoo” voice.