Housing News: A man who thought buying a wind chime was a good idea is not likely to be alive the next time the sun comes up, according to his neighbours.

“Adding a wind chime to my garden will being a peaceful, relaxing and reflective element to an otherwise brutal urban space,” said Barry Givens, who hung the giant piece of tin shit up in his garden last night.

“CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG,” said Givens’ exasperated neighbour after a sleepless night.

“Seriously, if he doesn’t take it down now, his wife is going to be a widow and his children will be asking ‘why did Daddy have to die?’. Then I shall lean out of my window and proudly tell them – Daddy died because he bought a bloody wind chime.”

“I’m normally a very law-abiding person,” said another neighbour with tired, bloodshot eyes. “But in this case I think we should all kill him, then agree to keep it a dark neighbourhood secret. Anything to stop that jingling-jangling fuck-noise from hell.”

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