Literature News: A warehouse of typewriting monkeys has, after 65 years of trying, finally produced a piece of barely intelligible literature, which according to US scientists, appears to be Harry Styles’ autobiography.

Elderly American professor Greg Nettles – who has been replenishing stocks of monkeys and typewriter ribbons in a Nevada aircraft hanger since the 1940s – called a press conference yesterday to announce that the first piece of work had been produced.

“The initial rush of excitement was overwhelming. The language is definitely based on what we know as English. But it was so weirdly innocent, creepy, flesh-crawlingly insipid,” he explained. “Groundbreaking, but ultimately not the works of Shakespeare I was hoping for. In fact, you could say it’s abysmal.”

Nettles showed the work to his grandson Chip for a second opinion. Chip was initially ‘puzzled’ but after three reads, was finally convinced that the 30,000-word screed ‘could easily be the autobiography of Harry Styles. The One Direction boy with the lady hair?’

The writing process of the book – provisionally entitled ‘The Right Direction’ and soon to be published by Virgin – was collaborative according to Professor Nettles.

“The book was written by a team of five monkeys who seemed to work as a pack. One of them, Mr Bongo, acted as an editor, reading through the pages, crossing out paragraphs with his excrement,” Professor Nettles explained.

“The book’s not great. The narrator talks far too much about singing, spiders and chocolate,” he added, “but there is a good bit about a visit to a zoo which goes horrendously wrong.”

Story by Andrew Woods

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