Swipe left/right

Literature News: A warehouse of typewriting monkeys has, after 65 years of trying, finally produced a piece of barely intelligible literature, which according to US scientists, appears to be Harry Styles’ autobiography.

Elderly American professor Greg Nettles – who has been replenishing stocks of monkeys and typewriter ribbons in a Nevada aircraft hanger since the 1940s – called a press conference yesterday to announce that the first piece of work had been produced.

“The initial rush of excitement was overwhelming. The language is definitely based on what we know as English. But it was so weirdly innocent, creepy, flesh-crawlingly insipid,” he explained. “Groundbreaking, but ultimately not the works of Shakespeare I was hoping for. In fact, you could say it’s abysmal.”

Nettles showed the work to his grandson Chip for a second opinion. Chip was initially ‘puzzled’ but after three reads, was finally convinced that the 30,000-word screed ‘could easily be the autobiography of Harry Styles. The One Direction boy with the lady hair?’

The writing process of the book – provisionally entitled ‘The Right Direction’ and soon to be published by Virgin – was collaborative according to Professor Nettles.

“The book was written by a team of five monkeys who seemed to work as a pack. One of them, Mr Bongo, acted as an editor, reading through the pages, crossing out paragraphs with his excrement,” Professor Nettles explained.

“The book’s not great. The narrator talks far too much about singing, spiders and chocolate,” he added, “but there is a good bit about a visit to a zoo which goes horrendously wrong.”

Story by Andrew Woods

 

Tennis grandee Judy Murray is waging war on excess Pimm's mint! #sponsored

Trending Now

  1. Exclusive
    Dare you sneak a peek at these 12 CURSED IMAGES?
  2. Exclusive
    19 “shit jokes” that are so shit that you might just laugh despite your better judgement
  3. Pics
    This woman’s name and job title is combining to make something pretty amusing…
  4. Pics
    Can you spot the problem with this art assignment for 11 to 13-year-olds?
  5. Pics
    30 sick and funny image drawn in Microsoft Paint based on lunatic requests from British people
« Swipe navigation »