Web News: The government has announced plans to require anyone owning or using a keyboard to be licensed, in a bid to stop them writing stupid shit on the internet.

The new law will require ‘any person or persons intending to own or use any device with a keyboard to undergo a written examination to see if they meet the minimum requirements of expressing thoughts on the internet’.

It’s also thought that the test will involve a visual element, where prospective keyboard users are shown pictures of women – applicants who demonstrate knee-jerk reactions such as yelling ‘rape’ or ‘bomb!’ will automatically fail.

“Just as we don’t let people legally drive if they are total morons, now this new licensing scheme will hopefully improve the level of thoughts broadcast on the internet,” said Home Secretary Theresa May.

“As with driving, points will be added to keyboard licences if people leave aggressive or inane comments – such as pointing out that something is ‘fake’ or ‘gay’ – or simply wasting your own time and energy by writing ‘wut’.

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3 Responses

  • Andreas

    I had mine licensed immediately. Now commencing bullshit.

    August 29, 2013 at 10:45 am
  • gary

    Perhaps we could have an Idiot Licence – anyone who fails to meet some very basic standards (e.g not being willfully ignorant, racist, sexist, etc) or who ends up in A&E due to drink and/or drugs could simply be banned from going out in public until they’ve learned to behave like a “decent citizen” instead of like a self-centered moron.
    Obviously, this would mean putting about 30% of teenagers under house arrest, but the other 70% would be safer and better regarded.

    August 29, 2013 at 4:20 pm
  • James Herbert

    How about an Xbox live license? Hopefully it will stop spotty teenage boys from yelling things like “motherfucker” at people.

    September 4, 2013 at 1:38 pm