World News: A comprehensive solution that would end all violence in the Middle East has been left in a pub by the Home Office analyst who thought of it.

“I stopped off on the way home for a pint and the idea suddenly came to me,” said Mateus Olvidar, 28.

“It was the perfect way to bring long lasting peace quickly and effectively to the Middle East. I wrote it all down to make sure I wouldn’t forget it, then got a bit carried away celebrating. I can’t remember a single bit of it today – though I think it involved showing some compassion and humanity. Or maybe it involved free McDonald’s for everyone.”

Olvidar says he could have sworn he had the paper with him when he got home, but when he woke up this morning he realised that he was clutching the greasy paper his kebab had been wrapped in.

“I’m just so angry with myself,” explained Olvidar. “I called the pub first thing this morning, but the landlord said that no solutions to violence in the Middle East were handed in that matched my description.”

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