School Is Hell News: A survey of school-age children across the UK has shown that the growing scourge of cyberbullying is actually much preferred to old-fashioned ‘traditional’ bullying.

13-year-old Games Workshop regular Steve Ennis said: “It hurts when I go on Facebook and find a survey of 2,000 schoolmates believe that I am a huge fag whose clothes come from a Primark reject store.”

“But it doesn’t hurt as much as being repeatedly punched in the face while being forced to say ‘I lick donkey dick,’ in front of the girls, and then made to eat my Dark Eldar Reaver Jetbike.”

Cyberbullying has also proved to be less satisfying for bullies. Gareth Dillon said: “Dealing with my anger at my stepfather by stuffing a Year Seven kid into a bin is much more effective than calling that kid a dick on Twitter.

“Plus it doesn’t matter how often you DM ‘I AM KNEEING YOU IN THE GROIN’, they won’t send you their dinner money via PayPal.”

Home Secretary Theresa May announced a government campaign to bring back old-fashioned bullying yesterday by stamping on Michael Gove’s glasses and throwing his briefcase on the roof of the PE block.

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