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Strike News: Large parts of London and Manchester, and the whole of Brighton, were brought to a typographical halt today, as the Conciliated Union of Typesetters and Illustrators began its three-day national strike which is set to hit thousands of e-businesses, internet start-ups and muffin shops.

The three-day national strike and march on Parliament was organised “totally randomly” according to union leader ‘8-bit’ Lawson.

“We just saw that other dudes were threatening strikes and shit, and thought let’s DO THIS!”

Up and down the UK, gentrified urban areas, ironic coffee shops and exposed-brick studios were left silent today as an estimated 48,000 espadrille-wearing unionists marched on Parliament.

The bohemian quarters of many big cities are fearing the worst. Jed Jedley of Shoreditch eaterie Fixed-Gear Sushi, is worried that many businesses could go under due to a ‘pamphlet drought’.

“I need 3,000 Manga-style menus by tomorrow night,” he explained with a pronounced lisp. “In this game, you need to constantly force graffiti-ed paper into people’s hands, yeah? Or forget it!”

Late last night the Government announced emergency measures for skate cafés, pinball burger joints or organic sneaker emporiums that need immediate creative solutions. “We have a free-to-commission team of desk-top publishers that can be with you within 24 hours,” a government spokesperson explained.

But not all business owners welcomed the idea of a council-sanctioned design team.  “Purlease,” continued Jed Jedly. “Some of these lamos look like they’ve never got smashed in a bar that offers board games in their entire lives.”

By Andrew Woods

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