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Safety News: David Cameron has announced ambitious plans for the entire nation to be baby-proofed, in case we hurt ourselves with sharp cutlery or bang our heads on cupboards.

The move comes after the PM announced plans to stop children seeing pornography on the internet – and Cameron says he intends to expand the scheme to cover other ‘real world threats’.

“As we’ve now won the war on internet porn, it’s time to win the war against ouchies,” said the Prime Minister. “We need to legislate against ouchies and we need to do it now.”

“All sharp corners in buildings across the UK are to be covered with bumper stickers to soften any falls, all sharp knives and cutlery will be banned and replaced with soft, plastic spoons – and unsupervised baths will be made illegal, just in case.”

The move has been met with delight by many. “I’m just glad I no longer have to take any personal responsibility for anything ever again,” said Karen Dice, 34, from Bridgnorth, Shropshire.

“Thinking for myself and dealing with the consequences of my own actions was really giving me a hurty bottom.”

Breaking News: Read the Frankie Boyle's column the Guardian refused to print because "they didn't like the Rupert Murdoch jokes"

 

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