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Royal News: A working guillotine is to be erected outside the gates of Buckingham Palace, in order to keep the Royal Family ‘in check’.

The guillotine – which will be paid for by various anti-monarchy groups – will be built on the Victoria Memorial opposite the palace.

It’s planned that each morning a man with a hood over his head will slice open a watermelon with the Queen’s face crudely drawn on it in felt tip pen. The man will then hold up the severed melon and point solemnly at Buckingham Palace.

“We’re doing this for her sake as much as ours,” said a spokesman for one of the groups behind the guillotine.

“We just want to make sure the extra money the Queen is getting doesn’t go to her head. She already thinks of the population as hers, wears a hat covered in jewels and has too many things covered in gold leaf. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, your Majesty.”

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