Ian Doescher’s new book, William Shakespeare’s Star Wars, translates the entirety of A New Hope into Shakespearean
“Pray, R2-D2, where art thou?” asks C-3PO in the early pages. “Fairer necks than thine my hand hath crush’d,” Vader warns Leia.
The novel also contains woodcut-style illustrations.
It’s published by Quirk Books, the company behind the other hit remixed classic Pride, Prejudice and Zombies.
ACT V, Scene 5, lines 279-329. Space.
BIGGS Make haste, O Luke. Methinks they do approach
E’en faster than before. I shall not hold
Them back for long!
LUKE —Now, R2, straight increase The pow’r.
R2-D2 —Beep, whee.
BIGGS —Make haste, Luke. O, alas!
[Darth Vader shoots. Explosion. Biggs dies.
LUKE That ever I should see this day, O woe!
My childhood friend from Tatooine now slain
Protecting me from harm. Thou ow’dst a life—
Dear Biggs, sweet Biggs—and thou hast paid. And now
’Tis down to me: the boy turn’d warrior.
Be still, my errant heart, and seek the Force.
VADER The leader now is mine.
R2-D2 —Meep, beep.
C-3PO —Take care
Sweet R2-D2! Come thou back, I pray!
CHORUS Luke’s ship comes closer to the little port
While Vader and his crew draw all too near.
Young Luke to his computer doth resort
Until he hears the voice speak in his ear.
Enter Ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
GHOST O use the Force, dear Luke. Let go and trust!
VADER I sense the Force in this one here, almost
As if I did my younger self espy.
GHOST I prithee, trust me, Luke. All shall be well.
LUKE The hearing of these words is like a balm
Unto my soul. So shall I trust the Force
And not this fallible computer here.
[Luke turns off computer.
COMPUTER What is this, Luke? Thy targeting machine
Hath been turn’d off. What can be wrong? Pray tell!
LUKE Nay, all is well. Fear not, good friends.
R2-D2 —Beep, squeak.
[Darth Vader shoots. R2-D2 is hit.
LUKE —Small R2-D2 hath been lost!
COMPUTER The Death Star now has come within our range.
TARKIN Commander, thou may’st fire when thou hast made
All goodly preparation thereunto.
VADER Now face thy death, thou rebel.
PILOT —Sir, take heed!
CHORUS Now in a trice brave Han is on the scene!
The smuggler hath return’d on errand kind.
With sly approach he makes his way unseen
And slays th’Imperi’l pilots from behind.
[Enter Han Solo with Chewbacca, firing on
Darth Vader and Imperial Pilots. Explosion.
Imperial Pilots 1 and 2 die.
VADER But how?—
[Darth Vader exits in confusion, his ship spinning
out of control.
HAN —Thy path is clear, young Luke. Now do
Thy deed and let us all make way back home.
LUKE I stretch my feelings out and use the Force,
And on the instant seems the porthole vast—
Not small or difficult to strike, but large.
The ship is arm’d, and now I take the chance—
The blast’s away, and with it all our hopes!
[Luke shoots and hits the target.
CHORUS The laser hits its mark with certain aim,
And as the Death Star arms to strike the base
The chain reaction sets the orb aflame:
The Death Star hath exploded into space.
HAN Thy timely blast hath hit the perfect mark—
One in a million was thy Force-fill’d shot!
GHOST Remember me, O Luke, remember me,
And ever shall the Force remain with thee.
Here’s a bit of it being performed on stage…