Swipe left/right

Ear News: “Hello everyone, my name is Beatrice and I’m a cotton bud abuser.” So started the inaugural meeting of Cotton Buds Anonymous in Chichester last night, a support group for people addicted to the ‘ear wank’.

“In today’s Britain there are more people addicted to cotton buds than cigarettes,” asserts Dr. Frankly P. Harding, a lead expert on the phenomenon.

“Whereas most of us clean our ears in a few seconds and then proceed to shaving or perhaps polishing buttons, CB abusers derive intense aural pleasure from digging around their own ear canals way after any actual wax has been scooped away.”

“I easily get through a packet a day,” confesses 24-year old Christopher Geoffricks from Lancaster.

“I’ve pierced both eardrums and I’m now functionally deaf, but I just can’t stop myself. I know in reality there’s nothing there, but each forage drives me giddy with delight as I imagine excavating crumb after giant crumb of sweet brainy cheddar.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Next> Another Disappointing Day For The Amish Space Programme – Iowa News Today

Breaking News: It's our cake of the week!

 

Trending Now

  1. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  2. Pics
    Woman rejects man on Tinder, gets furious when he rejects her too
  3. Pics
    34 times “Grumpy Skeletor” was the funniest Twitter account in the world
  4. News
    James Blunt’s new album is out today, so here’s 50 times he won at Twitter
  5. Exclusive
    The start of books is vastly improved if you add “and then the murders began”
« Swipe navigation »