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Ear News: “Hello everyone, my name is Beatrice and I’m a cotton bud abuser.” So started the inaugural meeting of Cotton Buds Anonymous in Chichester last night, a support group for people addicted to the ‘ear wank’.

“In today’s Britain there are more people addicted to cotton buds than cigarettes,” asserts Dr. Frankly P. Harding, a lead expert on the phenomenon.

“Whereas most of us clean our ears in a few seconds and then proceed to shaving or perhaps polishing buttons, CB abusers derive intense aural pleasure from digging around their own ear canals way after any actual wax has been scooped away.”

“I easily get through a packet a day,” confesses 24-year old Christopher Geoffricks from Lancaster.

“I’ve pierced both eardrums and I’m now functionally deaf, but I just can’t stop myself. I know in reality there’s nothing there, but each forage drives me giddy with delight as I imagine excavating crumb after giant crumb of sweet brainy cheddar.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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