Supermarket News: A Nottingham man has made history by buying six items at a supermarket’s self-service till without uttering a single profanity.
Alan O’Neill was awarded with a golden sash, got his groceries for free and was given 100,000 Nectar points, worth almost as much as a whole bag of apples, in honour of his achievement.
He told press: “I breezed through the whole ‘Have you brought your own bag?’ thing by remembering that it’s better than being asked by an actual human if you’re capable of putting things in a sack.”
“When it said ‘Unexpected item in bagging area,’ it reminded me that’s what me and the wife call anal sex, so that put a smile on my face right the way through having to be cleared to buy alcohol by a 15-year-old.”
“And when it gave me cashback in a special slot at the rear of the till at the base hidden by  a metal hatch, I just pretended it was a fun treasure hunt.”
Alan received his award from the supermarket manager, and shortly afterward could be heard outside shouting “Give it back, you thieving bastard” at a trolley which refused to relinquish his pound.
Story: Tom Whiteley

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