Iranian President Playing ‘Kill, Fuck, Marry’ With New Co-Workers

World News: Iran’s recently elected president Hassan Rouhani is playing a game of ‘Kill, Fuck, Marry’ with people in his new office after a landslide victory on Friday.

“Playing kill, fuck, marry is the first thing you do when you start a new job,” said the reformist-backed leader from his new office. “Right after you find out where the toilets and coffee facilities are.”

“Most of these people seem really annoying, so that makes the kill part really easy – and I think I could manage a couple of guilty fucks. But marry? They all seem so very dull and hard working, always going on about Iran or foreign policy or something. Snoozeville!”

Rouhani says the dislike of his colleagues is not the only misgiving he has about his new job.

“The last place I worked was almost door to door on the bus. To commute here I have to catch a train, then it’s a bit of a walk from the station. Still, Debbie from accounts says there’s a really good sandwich shop round the corner so I’m looking forward to that.”