Why settle for run of the mill matrimony when you could hire a tank, a gang of Oompa Loompas and ‘go zombie’.

Here’s some pictorial inspiration to help give your guests a wedding they’ll never forget.

1. Ensure your guests have etched the date in their diaries.

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2. When booking the vicar – be sure that he won’t try to upstage you. 

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3. Always check that the church stained glass window are appropriate.

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4. Respond appropriately after any rows about the wedding invitation list.

… and dis-invite that creepy uncle

5. You are going to need to purchase a special ring.

[by Kate Bauman]

6. Probably best if you don’t surprise her on the day with it.

7. You’ll need to prioritise your Wedding gift list.

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8. There are lots of inspirational bridal magazines out there. 

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9. An honest approach to the RSVP card will be appreciated.

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10. Then there’s ‘too honest’.

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11. Picking the unique wedding dress will be one of the tougher decisions you’ll have to make.

[by Hazel Moore]

12. And the bridesmaids will need something to wear too.

13. You are going to need to hire some transport.

14. Some men will jump at the chance to be included in the ‘tossing of the bouquet’ ritual. 

15. But most will abstain…

16. Scottish weddings come with their own set of problems.

17. But Australian matrimonial events are in a different league entirely. 

18. Family pets can be included in the celebrations.

19. But turning your spouse into a giant cake can be awkward.

20. Don’t settle for just flashing the garter.

21. Windmill-themed reception venues come with their own set of problems.

…as do one’s with a load of steps…

22. Why not express your love by releasing something?

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23. The photographs will need careful consideration.

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24. Or this happens…

25. If you forgot to pick up the fake tan – then face paint is fine.

…but don’t over do it.

26. Not everyone is going to be happy with the table plan.

27. By all means ship-in some Oompah Loompahs.

30. Or book a giant.

31. However, for some, the anticipation of married life will be almost unbearable. 

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32. Maybe consider booking a children’s entertainer.

33. If you’re marrying a scientist. Consider using this seating plan.

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34. You could immortalise those heartfelt vows with a tasteful tattoo.

35. But don’t invite llamas – they spoil everything.

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36. Try and achieve a Hollywood feel.

37. You will need to keep your energy levels up on the day. 

38. But always have someone proof-read the menu.

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39. Brides – always welcome the helping hand of the local videographer.

40. The tank we were talking about earlier, get one.

41. Let them eat cake.

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42. But careful not to drop it 

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43. Why wait till the wedding night to get naked?

 44. Live the dream.

45. No long faces during the group shot.

46. If he won’t say yes, find somewhere in the US where it is legal to marry a poster.

47. Or just tear up the rule book altogether and head to Russia.

48. …Or California

49. Some weddings are like a modern fairytale.

Others are more old-fashioned.

50. You should expect that your departure vehicle will probably have been decorated by the ushers….

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Congratulations..you may now enjoy the Honeymoon

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One Response

  • Dave Parsnip

    Alternatively, just get married with a quiet and dignified ceremony without trying to create the next viral video. This is a wedding for fuck’s sake, not a fucking marketing campaign.

    March 2, 2014 at 12:23 am