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Border News: Britain is to be made even shitter, in a bid to ease the Border Agency backlog by putting off anyone who’s ever wanted to come to the UK.

“Even though we all agree this country is pretty spectacularly crap, we’re convinced it can be made even crappier – in the hope of stopping any further visitors and giving the border agency a chance to get through the immigration backlog,” said a Home Office source.

“In terms of being shit, the U.K is clearly at a ten. But now we’re asking the country to really take things up to eleven,” said Eric Pickles, the UK’s Communities Minister.

“I’m confident that if we work together we can make the entire country so unappealing to visitors the immigration backlog can be dealt with. And if we drive out a large number of British citizens as well, that would be an added bonus.”

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