Vatican News: Pope Francis I has spectacularly quit the papacy, after only ten minutes of the Vatican’s compulsory office induction.

β€œI was showing Pope Francis round the office, so he knew where the stationery cupboard, health and safety poster and coffee making facilities were,” said Cardinal Fuga Veloce. β€œThen after only ten minutes of office orientation he asked to use the bathroom. Half an hour later I went to check on him, only to find the window in the toilets wide open and no sign of the Pope.”

A handwritten note, scrawled on some toilet paper, was later found next to one of the sinks. It simply read β€œI’ve made a gigantic mistake. Ave et vale – Jorge.”

Unconfirmed reports say he was later seen hotwiring a scooter he’d stolen off a teenager and was making his escape towards the coast.

β€œIt certainly came as a shock,” said one stunned Bishop. β€œThe embers in the oven we burn the votes in hasn’t even got cold yet.”

Story: Simon Swatman

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