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Pool News: The first ever public swimming pool made out of 100% urine was opened today – and branded a ‘triumph of common sense’.

“We were fighting a losing battle,” said Albert Frankly, head of Matlock Swimming Baths, Derbyshire. “Five schools a week. That’s over 150 kids a day. We spent more money on chemicals than Saddam Hussein.”

Faced with withering subsidies however, local councillors were forced into some ‘creative thinking’.

“Austerity cuts have meant clean water maintenance is now impossible if we want to keep the pool open,” said Councillor Mark Dupree. “That’s why we approached the problem from the other way around, and after a few short minutes on the internet, I discovered that baths of dolphin piss are considered a luxury in China.”

“Unfortunately we can’t afford dolphins, but in the end I think we arrived at the most hygenic, cost-effective solution.”

“Discarded urine tests from the local hospital are delivered each night and keep the pool topped up. This is recycling at its most adventurous.”

“Now little Timmy can squeeze out a morning’s Lucozade safe in the knowledge that he is already swimming in an ocean of relief for the elderly and infirm.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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