Motoring News: Arsehole drivers are to get their own dedicated lane on motorways, in order to give everyone else who doesn’t drive like a total prick a break.

“The new dedicated arsehole lane will give arsehole drivers ample opportunity to drive really close to each other, blare their horns for no apparent reason and cut each other up all they want,” said a spokesman for the Highways Agency.

The plan is predicted to cost billions of pounds, but the government says it will be worth it when these twats have their own private lane to act the prick in.

“Anybody wearing a baseball cap backwards and driving a Renault Clio with alloys and tinted windows will automatically qualify for use of the new lane,” said the Highways Agency.

“Likewise businessmen who blare their horns at anyone doing less than 70 mph will also qualify. Let’s hope they kill each other.”

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17 Responses

  • CSG

    Audi drivers.

    Actually, they may not a different lane again, the Uber Arschloch Authobahn.

    February 28, 2013 at 9:24 am
  • Ed Young

    We already have an arsehole lane – it’s the one in the middle!

    February 28, 2013 at 9:26 am
  • Rufus T. Dufus

    I’m in the car on the corner across from the coach in this picture. I didn’t give.my permission to have my face placed on your www site.

    I expect a full apology in autotune and £5000 compensation. And a different car now that everyone knows what I drive.

    February 28, 2013 at 9:35 am
  • Bob

    BMW drivers should be in there with white van drivers

    February 28, 2013 at 9:35 am
  • Andy

    It depends on how you define driving like a total prick. You could have drivers who hog the middle lane, even when the road is empty; those who insist on driving in the middle and outer lanes at below the max speed limit; those who change lanes without indicating. Just because someone drives a bit fast doesn’t make them a prick; it’s how you drive fast that makes you a prick. Ever seen that driver tailgating you at 85 in the outside lane? he’s a prick! That driver who swaps lanes without indicating – he’s a prick. That driver doing 55 – 65 in the middle lane – he’s a prick. That driver who has a mobile phone up to his ear whilst driving – he’s a prick; that driver who is terrified to exceed the speed limit and hits his brakes every time he gets to it – he’s a prick; that driver who thinks the max speed limit on a single carriageway ‘A’ road is 40 or 50 mph – he’s a prick; that driver who brakes in front of you without warning and turns off to the left or right – he’s a prick.

    February 28, 2013 at 9:41 am
  • tony the tiger

    Hey Andy, remind me again, is it the Audi or the Beamer that you’re driving these days?

    February 28, 2013 at 10:06 am
  • Mugwump

    Good list Andy, but are you giving “fog-light-on-because-it-was-a-bit-foggy-last-Wednesday-week driver” the day off? Or “probably driving an old 3-series with the seat wound-back pulling into the tiny safety gap you’ve left in-front for yourself driver”?. Don’t get me started on “clunk, clip, clippity-clunk crack go the door-mirrors” filtering-at-40mph biker twat…

    February 28, 2013 at 10:33 am
  • Grim-reaper

    BMW means often Bloody Moron on Wheels!

    February 28, 2013 at 12:22 pm
  • Sashabaz

    Andy is right… There’s a balance of assholes who lane hog and assholes who tailgate. Neither are right, but lanes hoggers are the real assholes here. If they moved across the tailgaters wouldn’t have to tailgate as the fast lane would be clear. Obviously there’ll be some smartass who says otherwise, but that’s the truth. Lane hoggers cause the “ghost jams” that blight motorway driving. If you got to europe you will find a lot of motorways only have 2 lanes, but there arent ANY lane hoggers there, and therefore no tailgaters, horn blaring assholes and much less aggressive drivers. Something you smart ass lane hogger need to think about. (Tony the Tiger!)

    February 28, 2013 at 12:46 pm
  • Bart

    people who tailgate you while you are doing 130-140mph in the outside lane are pricks, also the people doing 50 in the middle lane so the trucks are qued up behind them.

    February 28, 2013 at 7:50 pm
  • Jimbo

    It’s not the BMW Drivers’ fault that their indicators don’t work… It must be the manufacturer’s fault… Right?

    February 28, 2013 at 11:29 pm
  • Despina

    Any car driver who needs to be overtaken by a truck is a prick!

    March 1, 2013 at 12:25 am
  • Beinghound

    Almost all motorcyclists can go in there. Thinking none of the rules apply to them and making a ridiculous amount of noise in the process. Twats. As annoying as middle lane drivers are there is no excuse for tailgating, flashing your lights or honking. Safety first. Is it really wise to drive really close behind someone who’s driving ability you doubt? You’re just giving them the power to fuck you up.

    March 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm
  • Colin

    Nice to see a good turnout from the “every driver apart from me is an arsehole or a prick” brigade.

    March 3, 2013 at 10:47 am
  • Pete Lawson

    I completly agree with Andy.

    March 5, 2013 at 7:54 am
  • Buford T Justice

    I’d go one further and dedicate special country lanes and A roads as biker only zones seeing as how they seem to think any road with anything more than a one degree bend in it is an excuse to “get your knee down” and ride like a prick or overtake anyone not doing at least 100.

    Plus this would remove the shortage of donor organs the hospitals are experiencing as these middle age dildo’s egg each other on to ever more stupidity.

    May 27, 2013 at 5:59 pm