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Research News: Men who go to the gym every day, sometimes twice a day, are twelve times more likely to masturbate in front of a full-length mirror, new research said today.

The are twenty times more likely to be obsessively tidy, will almost certainly be fond of writing aggressive emails, and regularly cry out ‘Sparta!’ during the sex act.

The purpose of the study was to see if there was a link between listening to bad house music while staring at yourself lifting barbells, and the sort of person who tuts and curses in the supermarket queue if the person in front is fumbling with their change.

“Our question was simple,” explains Professor Harold Forrester of the Social Impact Institute, Reading. “The traffic lights change to green. You’ve taken just over a third of a second to move and yet someone is beeping you. Just who the hell are these people?”

“While the heady cocktail of aggression, sexual frustration, narcissism and verrucas made excessive gym users prime suspects for this type of behaviour, we wanted to get to the facts.”

“We interviewed thousands of them up and down the country,” Professor Forrester continues, “until we just couldn’t bear talking to them anymore because they are such massive c**ts.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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