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Hope News: People in the UK are to lower their already rock-bottom expectations – and will now consider just getting out of bed in the morning a huge success.

It’s predicted that if expectations continue to drop, then the population will have such stunted hopes for the future that degrees will be given to people who can be bothered to breathe on a regular basis.

“It’s a deeply worrying situation,” said Dr. Dieter Hoffen of The University of Nottingham’s School of Humanities. “If the U.K manages to get through another year, the data we’ve collected suggests that by 2014 people will begin thinking that being kicked to death in a ditch is something to look forward to.”

National prospects have dropped from a combination of the global economic crisis, the mundanity of working for a living and reading some of the comments people feel the need to leave on websites.

“Another major factor in the lowering of the UK’s expectations is simply being alive,” said Dr. Hoffen. “It’s such hard work ploughing through the same shit every single day – it’s little wonder that the only thing people feel they can depend on is the sweet embrace of death.”

Story: Simon Swatman

 

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