After meat in Tesco burgers was found to contain horse DNA, worried shoppers are now concerned that other products may not be what they seem. Here’s our essential guide.

Tesco Everyday Value Toilet Tissue 4 Roll

After extensive testing, Tesco have revealed that up to 26% of their value brand of toilet paper is made from pages of the Bible. The supermarket blames this on ‘a rogue supplier in the Vatican’.

Tesco Everyday Value Toad In The Hole 250G

Tesco say there is a ‘strong chance’ that the batter in their Value Toad In The Hole was ‘made from eggs laid by chickens that had been punched in the face’ – although they maintain that the chickens ‘had it coming’.

Tesco Everyday Value Rubber Gloves 2 Pairs

Tests by various consumer groups show that Tesco Value Rubber Gloves were previously used by customs officials at Heathrow, to rummage around the insides of dodgy-looking people getting off a flight from Colombia.

Tesco Everyday Value Sweetcorn 907G

The supermarket has issued a statement saying they ‘have no idea’ what their frozen sweetcorn is made of and that they even ‘deny sweetcorn as a concept’.

Tesco Everyday Value Sunflower Spread 500G

Tests conducted by Ireland’s food safety authority (FSAI) show that Tesco’s Value Sunflower Spread was almost exclusively made from the crusty bits of sleep you get around your eyes first thing in the morning.

Tesco Everyday Value Oranges

Basically these are just big onions, coloured in with orange felt tip.

By Simon Swatman

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