Swipe left/right

Everyone loves watching nature documentaries on TV – but in real life, nature is incredibly scary and you’ll probably have to fight it. Here are five animals that you can easily kick the shit out of with a little bit of know-how.

1. Bat


Weakness: Poor vision (good listener though).
Victory Method: Attach a powerful halogen torch to a cricket bat and smack it in the face when it’s temporarily blinded by the light. Be sure to mention the irony of hitting a bat with a bat afterwards.

2. Cheetah


Weakness: Arrogance.
Victory Method: Leap onto it from a motorbike that is conspicuously faster. Deploy the classic wrestling manoeuvre of strangling its smug little windpipe til it taps out.

3. Elephant


Weakness: Paranoid about the size of its ears.
Victory Method: Distract it with a picture of Prince Charles. When it’s feeling relaxed and less self-conscious about it’s ears, kick it in the balls really hard. Casually walk away as this mighty giant slumps on the floor in agony.

4. Monkey

Weakness: Idiocy.
Victory Method: Dress up as another monkey and invite it to pick fleas off you. Then wind it with a swift elbow to the solar plexus. Additionally, throw your own feces at it as a mark of total species domination.

5. Badger


Weakness: A badger has no weaknesses. Stay the fuck away from badgers.

By Simon Swatman and Jasper Gibson

 

Tennis grandee Judy Murray is waging war on excess Pimm's mint! #sponsored

Trending Now

  1. News
    This guy has tried to sum up the post-Brexit situation in the UK on Facebook and it’s ABSURD
  2. News
    So this amazing theory about Cameron snookering Boris turned out to be true didn’t it?
  3. Videos
    This Brexit version of Downfall takes us inside Boris Johnson’s bunker
  4. Exclusive
    Boris Johnson goes on Facebook after ruling himself out as Tory leader
  5. News
    Boris pulls out of Tory leadership race: the only three jokes you need to read
« Swipe navigation »