Everyone loves watching nature documentaries on TV – but in real life, nature is incredibly scary and you’ll probably have to fight it. Here are five animals that you can easily kick the shit out of with a little bit of know-how.
1. Bat
Weakness: Poor vision (good listener though).
Victory Method: Attach a powerful halogen torch to a cricket bat and smack it in the face when it’s temporarily blinded by the light. Be sure to mention the irony of hitting a bat with a bat afterwards.
2. Cheetah
Weakness: Arrogance.
Victory Method: Leap onto it from a motorbike that is conspicuously faster. Deploy the classic wrestling manoeuvre of strangling its smug little windpipe til it taps out.
3. Elephant
Weakness: Paranoid about the size of its ears.
Victory Method: Distract it with a picture of Prince Charles. When it’s feeling relaxed and less self-conscious about it’s ears, kick it in the balls really hard. Casually walk away as this mighty giant slumps on the floor in agony.
4. Monkey
Weakness: Idiocy.
Victory Method: Dress up as another monkey and invite it to pick fleas off you. Then wind it with a swift elbow to the solar plexus. Additionally, throw your own feces at it as a mark of total species domination.
5. Badger
Weakness: A badger has no weaknesses. Stay the fuck away from badgers.
By Simon Swatman and Jasper Gibson
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That’s not a monkey.
Badges are imaginary. This article has clearly been written with the express intention of perpetuating the myth that badgers exist. If people stay the fuck away from them they will not see the wires.
We need no stinking badges!! (in a mexican accent)