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Everyone loves watching nature documentaries on TV – but in real life, nature is incredibly scary and you’ll probably have to fight it. Here are five animals that you can easily kick the shit out of with a little bit of know-how.

1. Bat


Weakness: Poor vision (good listener though).
Victory Method: Attach a powerful halogen torch to a cricket bat and smack it in the face when it’s temporarily blinded by the light. Be sure to mention the irony of hitting a bat with a bat afterwards.

2. Cheetah


Weakness: Arrogance.
Victory Method: Leap onto it from a motorbike that is conspicuously faster. Deploy the classic wrestling manoeuvre of strangling its smug little windpipe til it taps out.

3. Elephant


Weakness: Paranoid about the size of its ears.
Victory Method: Distract it with a picture of Prince Charles. When it’s feeling relaxed and less self-conscious about it’s ears, kick it in the balls really hard. Casually walk away as this mighty giant slumps on the floor in agony.

4. Monkey

Weakness: Idiocy.
Victory Method: Dress up as another monkey and invite it to pick fleas off you. Then wind it with a swift elbow to the solar plexus. Additionally, throw your own feces at it as a mark of total species domination.

5. Badger


Weakness: A badger has no weaknesses. Stay the fuck away from badgers.

By Simon Swatman and Jasper Gibson

 

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