Swipe left/right

News News: The Daily Mail will be a minimum of three inches thicker in the run-up to Cameron’s referendum on EU membership.

“Now that we know the stark choice that our brave leader has laid out for us,” said editor Paul Dacre, “we need at least an extra three to ten inches of fair and balanced comment from Melanie Phillips and Dick Littlejohn.”

While most Briton’s are expected to vote to leave the EU if that means they’ll see the back of Nigel Farrage, the Mail isn’t taking any chances.

“We’ve taken on hundreds of extra staff,” said one insider. “Everyone is being given military titles and we’re all expected to wear combat fatigues. If I am called upon to drag Jan Moir out into the parade ground and shoot her through the face for insubordination and/or cowardice then so be it.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Simon Swatman

Breaking News: Donald Trump's tiny desk: well, it's one way of making his hands look bigger

 

Trending Now

  1. News
    James Blunt’s new album is out today, so here’s 50 times he won at Twitter
  2. News
    Terminated! Epic Schwarzenegger takedown is funny, brilliant and true
  3. Pics
    When you forget to put the clocks forward, Donald Trump style
  4. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  5. Quiz
    Can you remember the colour of Mr Men?
« Swipe navigation »