News News: The Daily Mail will be a minimum of three inches thicker in the run-up to Cameron’s referendum on EU membership.

“Now that we know the stark choice that our brave leader has laid out for us,” said editor Paul Dacre, “we need at least an extra three to ten inches of fair and balanced comment from Melanie Phillips and Dick Littlejohn.”

While most Briton’s are expected to vote to leave the EU if that means they’ll see the back of Nigel Farrage, the Mail isn’t taking any chances.

“We’ve taken on hundreds of extra staff,” said one insider. “Everyone is being given military titles and we’re all expected to wear combat fatigues. If I am called upon to drag Jan Moir out into the parade ground and shoot her through the face for insubordination and/or cowardice then so be it.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Simon Swatman

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