Onanism News: The Government has promised increased broadband speeds to rural areas, pledging ‘that by 2015 even the most remote farmer will be enjoying streamed HD porn’.

“For too long masturbators in Britain’s hard-working rural communities have had to make do with blurry low quality porn that freezes and buffers every twenty seconds,” said Broadband minister Ed Vaizey.

“Farmers need something to look forward to after toiling in the fields all day – and pin sharp, on demand pornography will be their reward.”

Vaizey unveiled the plans today to use broadband subsidies to connect rural areas as part of the government’s new ‘Let’s Get The Countryside Wanking’ initiative.

Vaizey said the £530m subsidy pot committed to improving broadband speeds across the U.K will now be used to ensure that by 2015 ‘rural tugging will be just as convenient and easy as it is in urban areas’.

Story: Simon Swatman

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