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Science News: Medical professionals admitted today that masturbation is still not a cure for insomnia, despite everyone’s best efforts.

“While science will never rest,” said Dr Albert Schwarz of the Glasgow Sleep Institute, “and while the link between sleep and onanism remains tantalisingly close, we must admit that, for now, the crucial breakthrough eludes us.”

Increased computer usage is being blamed for disrupting sleep patterns, leaving many of us to stare at the ceiling all night, worrying about work until those thoughts inexplicably warp into plans for lunch and then nagging sexual memories.

“I always think to myself, ‘this time it’s going to work’”, says committed insomniac Sarah Walesley, 29, Pontefract. “But then I feel more awake, only to quickly feel more tired again – but I still can’t sleep. It’s so confusing.”

“We’ve had thousands of volunteers participate in our trials,” continues Dr Scwharz. “While we are not ready to make the big announcement yet, I can assure you that never before have I witnessed such levels of dedication during a scientific project of this scale, and I am confident that soon we will get the result everyone is waiting for.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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